| Sex in Covenant Marriage and Relationship | Created Date: 17-April-2018 |
Last updated: 31-Jan-2023 | |
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Note: Any and all recommendations in this topic are to be considered opinions where professional medical and psychological assistance should always be considered in problem areas.
If you are not 18 years or older, then it is in your best interest to skip this topic.
Sex is a gift from God, which is for:
that will bond a person with their spouse. Sex can also bond a person with someone who is not their spouse when participating in it outside of a marriage especially in adultery.
| 1 Corinthians 6:16 | Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, The two will become one flesh. |
Sex should be one of the greatest pleasures in having a successful marriage but too often, because of the misunderstandings between the genders, causes the absence of it.
| It is the opinion expressed in many sexual advice sources for marriages, which this author's agrees, that wives have 100% of the responsibility to maintain a routine schedule for sex in a marriage. The husband's mutual responsibility is recognizing the upcoming sexual intimacy and providing romance with mutual satisfaction. |
We know from the scriptures that sex was still occurring at a very old age for the Patriarchs in the Old Testament such as Abraham, Moses and many others. It should be a vital part of every marriage. Being physical fit and attractive is an important part of being a Christian along with being a good spouse.
| One of the purest sexual emotional components of love is when we enjoy the sensation of ecstasy when our spouse is feeling the physical pleasure released in their body based on what we are doing for them in love. |
There are many wonderful scriptures and warnings in the scriptures to consider.
| 1 Corinthians 7:1-> | Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ... |
| Hebrews 13:4 | Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. |
| 1 Thessalonians | For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; |
| 1 Corinthians 6:18 | Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. |
| Mathew 5:28 | But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. |
| 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 | The key to this scriptural passage is
repenting from participating. All the categories have
consequences even when we still
particpate in them but the additional part is sanctified by
acceptance of Jesus Christ as our Savior. Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. |
The most difficult question on sexual activity is whether it is permissible outside of marriage. The best scripture for this is Hebrews 13:4 and we also need to know that marriage can be a covenant relationship which consists without paperwork. In Secular Laws, it is often called a common-law marriage or "sui juis marriage".
| Hebrews 13:4 | Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. |
The point is once two people agree to stay with one another, that may also consist of living together, this is a commitment that is governed by the same laws dealing with breaking a covenant. When two people enter into a covenant, then this is the same as marriage, where exiting the covenant relationship requires there be scriptural reasons to allow the ending of the relationsip.
The key word is fornicator. A fornicator is someone who has sex outside of marriage or a covenant relationship. As always, be reminded that God operates in Grace and Mercy where most likely we all have fallen in this area by physical action or mental thought as described in Mathew 5:28 listed above in this topic. Additionally, Remember Romans 9:15 as God give each of Grace and Mercy.
| Romans 9:15 | For He says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' |
One of the most subtle means of hurting every one of us is the use of sex as a means of trying to satisfy lust with someone else that is not joined to us in marriage. All of us have moments of attraction, which is lust, but the key is not acting on it to commit adultery, fanaticize in self gratification with someone that is not our spouse, and also not to view pornography.
A very subtle temptation that all of us are potentially capable of wrongfully desiring and participating, is the use of sex to feel worshipped or worship someone along with possibly many others. We sometimes hear in confessional types of interviews with people in elite positions of power, sport figures or actors which describe the elation of euphoria that they became addicted to when having sexual experiences with their employees or fans because it was in a position of being worshiped.
As Christians know, the scriptures are clear about the use of sex is to be in a relationship between a husband and wife, where there are many potential consequences for the incorrect use of sex, which are partially discussed in the topic on Adultery that deals also with committed relationships between two people who aren't married.
The act of feeling worshipped or giving worship in a sexual experience, is something that seems to be never discussed in the Christian community's commentaries, sermons and Bible Studies, which is why it is important to have this part of this topic. Some points:
Sexual experiences, between a man and woman in a committed relationship, will be guided by God to experience all of the positive benefits that do not include wrongful worship that are only to be given to God.
Several of these points, with some revisions, are from several articles such as this link from Chatline.
| 1 | It is a natural pain reliever by the body's increased production of oxytocin, which is often called the love hormone. Before orgasm, oxytocin increases up to 5 times the normal level which then leads to the release of endorphins in our body. Endorphins are our body's natural pain-killing hormones. |
| 2 | When endorphins are released, it changes our mood and helps in stress release, self-esteem and the increase of intimacy between the man and woman. |
| 3 | Directly from the article link (missing click here), "For those in a monogamous relationship, studies have found that semen does contain several mood-altering hormones that can reduce depression, testosterone, estrogen, follicle-stimulating hormone, luteinizing hormone, prolactin and several different prostaglandins. Some of these changes have been detected in a women s blood within hours of exposure to semen." |
| 4 | When endorphins are produced it stimulates our immune system. For both men and women, Oxytocin level are stimulated to benefit sexual intimacy and other benefits in the human body. |
| 5 | It increases your life span as reported from the same link above (missing click here), "The Journal of the American Medical Association has also reported that high ejaculation frequency was related to decreased risk of total prostate cancer. Having regular orgasms can increase your life span. Every time you reach orgasm, the hormone DHEA increases in response to sexual excitement and orgasm. DHEA can boost your immune system, improve cognition, keep skin healthy, and even work as an antidepressant. Therefore, the added health benefit is that you will feel and look younger, longer." |
There is biological evidence that confirms that sex creates physical bonding through hormones, neurohormones, oxytocin and vasopressin. Women are especially gifted by God with their husband, in the biological bonding, as the same type of bonding hormones are released by the body during childbirth and nursing which stimulates increased bonding with a baby. The baby, just like the man, is affected also in bonding, which is also a gift from God.
Regarding differences in men and women in a sexual relationship, there are many misunderstandings. Men tend to be very myopic in this area thinking women think the same which is absolutely not the case. Women tend to expect the man to understand how they see sexual activity and potentially never discussing their needs and desires.
For a disclaimer, the following is not exact and is a general interpretation on the two genders where by no means is this absolutely true for every single man or woman.
Notes on men for women to know
| 1 | Visual beauty is the primary stimulation for the desire. This is why a man can be doing anything else and suddenly be changed into the mood. |
| 2 | Sometimes the desire to have sex has nothing to do with how much a man is in love with the woman. |
| 3 | The orgasm is the most important thing in the experience. |
| 4 | The secondary interpretation on how good the sexual experience was is if he sees the woman orgasm where he will want to know how good it was. This is because the man judges his love making ability by the woman's satisfaction. |
| 5 | He wants to know and believe the woman is excited about the sexual experience because of the way he looks. |
| 6 | He wants to also know and believe the woman is looking forward to his orgasm when it is vaginal, orally or by touch. |
| 7 | Foreplay on his body is very important. |
| 8 | Men generally tend to prefer sex before going to sleep at night because the desire for intimacy elevates their blood pressure and heart rate which is preventing sleep. Men also prefer seeing their wife with makeup and hair done. After intimacy, men feel tranquility, heart rate goes down, a sexual release and their bodies produces hormones that induce sleep. |
Notes on women for men to know
| 1 | A little over half of women relate that they have an orgasm half of the time during sex based on numerous studies. This means that almost half of the time they do not climax. |
| 2 | The foreplay and intercourse are seen as fun to strengthen the relationship and bond between her and the man, regardless of an orgasm. This is why a woman can potentially find it offensive when asked if the orgasm was good when the point may have not been to orgasm. |
| 3 | Lack of an orgasm does not mean the sexual experience was not very fun and pleasurable. All women do desire an orgasm but sometimes it may not happen because of stress, time allowed or distractions. |
| 4 | The most important part of a sexual experience is the focus on making her feel emotionally close by the touch and intensity. |
| 5 | Variety of experiences is desired. |
| 6 | There are six major erogenous zones (not named on purpose) and many are ignored which can be frustrating for the women who wants the man to know. Note that this does not mean every woman has these. |
| 7 | Kissing is very important. |
| 8 | Women generally tend to prefer sex in the morning because sexual intimacy invigorates her body and stimulates a woman's thought processes. It is also true that a woman can need the sexual release to be able to sleep just like a man. |
| 9 | After climax, women often expect and need to be held and have gentle kissing for a little bit of time which reinforces love and being valued. Sex has the additional importance of being valued for a woman. |
A good first possible step is to look into taking the Love Language Test to learn about yourself and for sharing with your significant other. The two of you will find the priorities of importance in how your significant other feels love in the relationship.
It is important to understand there is the possibility of a distinct difference on what a person:
There are also many other relationship tests on the Internet and even classes, that can help in your relationship. Many of the tests and classes are being improved upon all the time where it is also good to use these resources for improving your relationship in many ways that include sexual intimacy.
Take some time now to read this topic on Marriage and the needs of the man and woman.
With the recent popularity of books and movies such as Fifty Shades of Grey, street corner adult novelty shops and online adult relationship stores (not the pornography sites), this area needs addressing for the Christian. A familiar scripture is Hebrews 13:4 which addresses keeping the marriage sexual relationship pure.
| Hebrews 13:4 | Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. |
The question for Christians is what are the boundaries and parameters regarding anything that help in arousal, stimulation and climaxing in a relationship? This also includes other items that do not constitute toys. These points should not require too much elaboration or explanation:
(These last two points #4 and #5, are psychological problems that require professional counseling and assistance, and most likely is a problem that is increasing because of pornography addictions. Note that there are companies that specialize in alcohol, drug and sexual addictions as all three have commonalities in cause and treatment.)
There are two primary boundaries and warning areas:
There are times in life when a person may be single and possibly will never have the chance to be married. Additionally, there is the possibility in a marriage, to reach the age or have a debilitating injury / illness that your partner is unable to participate in sexual relations.
There is no direct scriptural advice and this author has never seen any Christian books or website discuss this area, so the question is it okay to take care of one's desires in a self-fulfilling way? The answer is absolutely yes and it should be done for the health and mental well-being of a person. Doing so should not violate any scriptural tenants such as committing adultery or the use of pornography.
| 1 Corinthians 7:5 | Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control. |
As mentioned in the Roles in a Covenant Relationship topic, women in the early stages of marriage often have difficulties in relaxing because of stress with parental duties and work to make time for sex. Men in later stages of marriage often have problems because diminished testosterone. Additionally, both genders can also have diminished desires because of stress, medical or psychological reasons that can include boredom dealing with lack of different types of sexual experiences with their spouse.
The first point to know is sex should never be forced upon your spouse. Because women are instinctively nurturing, where men are not typically, there may be times where women will participate in order keep the relationship healthy. This is discussed above in the Differences Between Men and Women section of this topic.
A very generalized guidance given by some resources give the following recommendation, which is helpful for those who have disagreements in this area is shown in the following table. Note that there are many couples which have always had sexual relations nearly daily for their entire marriage, at all ages until age 70. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any type of regularity because of the importance of the marriage, health and relationship benefits.
| Age Range | Suggestions that are not meant as a requirement |
| 18 to 30 | Possibly daily or an average of every other day. |
| 30 to 60 | At least three or more per week. |
| 60 to 70 | At least twice or three times per week. |
| 70 to 80 | At least once per week. |
| 80 and beyond | If possible then enjoy |
Regarding duration of sexual activities, there should be spontaneity and also planned times, where the length of time only requires satisfaction from both parties. Sometimes the event may only take a few minutes and other planned times will take more than 30 minutes. There are some instructional articles and books that discuss a practice for the man to hold off on climaxing to lengthen the pleasure time of the woman, who might be able to have multiple climaxes (more than three). If you haven't tried this technique then it is a fun experience.
There is an expression given by some women that once the man climaxes then "game over" which means women know they usually need to be satisfied first, if that is their goal. Both women and men need to have discussion to understand that duration does not mean or equate to any amount of how much the other person loves the other.
Additionally, men have a tendency to want to either fall asleep or quickly go do something else after climaxing, which can be even required because of the duration for older men. Women often desire tenderness, cuddling and talking the event to reinforce their feelings. Both possibilities need to be attended to on a fair average that doesn't leave one side potentially feeling empty of required affection after the event or disappointed. This can be accomplished by lovingly expressed conversation.
Special note: If the two people in a marriage are NOT having sexual intimacy as often as the proposed table of sex at a specific age range, shown above, then even if one of you does not want to be sexually intimate that often, the likelihood of the other spouse not wanting that often is very uncommon. Therefore, it is very important to consider ways to lovingly discuss and participation in sexual intimacy for the full potential of love in a marriage, all of which the entirety of this topic is to be considered..
Sex After Age 60
See this great article from Marian Anne Eure. If link is missing click here.
| The following information is from an
article published through msn.com by Nithish Verma. If
link is missing
click
here. The Pleasure Principle: Sexuality and Cognitive Health |
The question is asked is there any areas that should never be done? The answer is contingent on a few factors that are way beyond the scope of this topic and may require psychologist and therapist help.
For some young couples, it often a good idea to purchase or read online sites that assist in sexual positions and styles that do not involve pornography. The difficulty of the Internet will be finding anything that doesn't involve pornography, so do research on your favorite online book purchasing source or go by a bookstore.
There are several important points regarding styles and preferences:
| Note: This author, as read from other topics written, was married for 25 years that required me divorcing my wife for Biblical reasons that put me in the dating world, where after five long-term relationships, I got married again for the second time. When meeting a woman, using one of the dating apps, and there was mutual interest, I would carefully say to the woman: "I would like to see you again, and if you don't mind let me ask you a few questions, where I will give you my answer to the question first." The questions always were received positively as they showed that I am serious person that is genuine. One of the few questions was to ask the woman if she has a STD and has she been tested. I of course would state that I do NOT have a STD, and I was tested. One time at a first meeting, a very wonderful woman, unfortunately and reluctantly said she did have a STD that she gained through her adulterous husband. This ended the dating possibility for me, and it was a necessary answer that could have destroyed a future commitment for me and by me stopping the dating possibility then did not hurt the woman in the future who would develop an emotional connection with me. |
|
An excerpt from the Dating Sites Topic section on the
Life Cycle of a Single Person's Selection Process
Unfortunately, there is a well-known problem, which young and middle-life men speak candidly with their best male friends and this is often illustrated in TV shows along with movies. It is an extreme lack of sexual fulfillment in their marriages where they wonder if other men are experiencing the same problem. Young and middle age men will state that their sexual lives began great in early parts of the marriage and then became almost non-existent because their wives are constantly not interested in having sex. It doesn't matter if the husband and wife are attractive and a great affectionate lover as a factor of why this occurs. Husbands get to the point of no longer trying to initiate and asking, where the consequence is the man doing solitary self-fulfilling sexual gratification that involves his imagination with the possibility of pornography and even affairs. The wives then interpret their husband no longer initiating and asking to mean they do not love them, and this leads to the wife also doing self-fulfilling sexual gratification and sometimes affairs. God gave women the gift of enhanced emotional thought processes, where the negative aspect with this gift is wives will try to assign blame of a poor or absent sexual fulfilling marriage on their husband. Of course, there are all types of scenarios, but the overwhelming cause of the problem, according to research recourses, is usually the wives. On the rare side of problems, if a wife gets no response from her initiating, then there is a possibility that her husband has found other choices for his sexual needs that has replaced his wife, which should be an alarm warning for the wife to consider. A wife can state that it cannot be their fault if there is no desire because of hormonal imbalances, stress and lack of sleep, but older women will state that the problem was her own lack of balance and planning, routine exercise, eating correctly. Older women realized that whenever they did have sexual experiences in the past, when there was no initial desire, the desire did come after foreplay that the younger wife should have realized on a routine basis. One of this author's best friends stated to me at age 35 that he can't figure it out. If his wife would just have sex routinely, then she could have absolutely everything she ever want that he could provide. This same friend is now 62 years old, and after numerous health problems, is unable to have sex anymore and he says his wife now wants to have sex almost daily with little hints of hope routinely given that involves his service without reciprocation as it can't be received, where he says it just makes him angry and he can't say anything. He also believes she is now having an affair. |
An interesting video blog from the year 2023, has the woman "Pearl" explaining the reason husbands have affairs is because wives "do not treat their husband like a man" with complaining, disrespect and no sex. She adds that the wife must take responsibility that part of problem of her husband having an affair is because of her, and why does she care since she is not having sex with her husband. This author agrees with the possibility, but her assessment requires a little more explanation. If a woman is:
then that will have the dual effect of:
Pearl, in her blog, also states no matter what is going on, the husband should not cheat (have an affair) on his wife. This author absolutely agrees. Women need to also understand that if their husband is not having an affair then he is forced into self-gratification which involves his imagination or pornography. A wife should want her husband's sexual intimacy desires to be focused on her.
Hygiene is of paramount importance where unfortunately it is sometimes ignored or felt that it is not noticed. Men in particular seem to seem to have more of a problem in this area, where women do not.
This author is a 100% heterosexual man, with zero deviant or abnormal sexual desires. At almost age 62, because of maintaining strenuous exercise (weight lifting and running), vitamins and minerals for almost 40 years, and adequate sleep, my libido is extremely strong, without any prescriptions, where the following information can help in the area of adding attractiveness to you for your spouse.
Women will often spend a great deal of time, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, and also in marriage, to make sure everything about themselves is beautiful and presentable. Because women are more inclined to be more sensitive to smell and wearing perfume, which is one tool used in arousal for men, then women will be more aware if their man does not do the same with areas besides cologne.
Men tend to only be concerned about the areas that are most visible and then do not realize that cleanliness, in all areas, will be noticed by their woman. Men expect women to take care of all areas but seem to think that cleanliness does not apply to themselves. Often, men will figure this out later in a relationship but there are still areas that wisdom comes from experience.
This particular section of the topic is more intended to be directed towards men, which has caused smiles and laughter from women who are glad to finally see this being spoken about and also because they didn't understand that men didn't know it.
The following tips, with variations, are done by women for themselves and desire that their men do the same, which will add to the man's attractiveness:
Most modern-day cultures glorify relaxation after work with large meals and alcohol. This is often called a sedentary lifestyle and it has the potentiality of eventually causing health problems that can affect sexual ability and performance.
God made our bodies to perform and enjoy sexual relations way into the twilight years of our lives. This is evidenced by the patriarchs in the scriptures that are spoken about having sex late in their lives.
Sex is never to be forced upon another, used as a weapon or withdrawn as a form of punishment. Remember:
| 1 Corinthians 7:5 | Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control. |
This author enjoys watching some old favorite Movies and TV shows from the times growing up. One of my favorite TV shows, in my youth, was "Wild Wild West" that had four seasons from 1965 through 1969, followed by re-run syndication for many decades after. Sometimes, I will look up information about the movies, TV shows and actors, I found this quote from Robert Conrad, who was one of the main actors in Wild Wild West (where I have no idea if he had a Christian moral life):
"[11/61, interview in Photoplay magazine] I neither condemn nor condone the morals of others. I think there are very few, really, whose conduct reflects unfavorably on the rest of us in this mythical kingdom of Hollywood. There are men who need many women in order to bolster their egos--half the time, they don't remember the girl's name afterward. But I've got a good ego to start with, and I'm too sensitive for a quick relationship with a dame and sex alone would never be enough for me. Marriage is something that goes way beyond the flesh. Each human being has his own need for security . . . It's great to have someone to lean on . . . it's great to have someone lean on you."
Other Topics that are related
Evils of Pornography. Marriage and the needs of the man and woman. The importance of water. If able, exercise a minimal of 4 days a week.