Roles in a
Covenant / Marriage Relationship |
Creation Date: 28-Jun-2019 |
Needs, Warnings
and Suggestions |
Last updated: 6-Jul-2024 |
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There are many great and wonderful Christian Marriage guidance books, courses
and messages on MP3 for all of us to get assistance. We need to always
take the time to maintain and improve our relationships, whether we are about to be
married, married for a long time or about to re-enter a marriage covenant.
This topic discusses several areas that seem to never be mentioned and should be
known, discussed and considered with the intent of maximizing the rewards of
your marriage.
The top three problems in relationships are different
depending upon what book or online source being read. It is this author's
opinion that these are the top three problems:
- Failure to honor the commitment made to a relationship.
- Not understanding how to communicate.
- Unrealistic selfish desires.
If we realize that when we are committed in marriage, and even a relationship
outside of marriage, that we symbolize becoming one flesh then rhetorically how
can of us hurt ourselves (Mark 10:5-9)? None of us would do something to
hurt emotions, body, security, and so much more to ourselves. We all are
not perfect and need to absolutely know that not being righteous as
ambassadors of God is hurting
and being against God (summarized in Matthew 25:40).
Mark 10:5-9 |
5 It was because your hearts were hard that
Moses wrote you this law, Jesus replied. 6
But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female.
7 For this reason a man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the
two will become one flesh. So
they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one
separate. |
Matthew 25:40
Jesus Christ on
His future Judgments |
40 The King will reply, Truly
I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and
sisters of mine, you did for me.
41 Then he will say to those on his left, Depart
from me, you who are cursed, into the
eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42
For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you
gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a
stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not
clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.
44 They also will answer, Lord, when did we see
you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in
prison, and did not help you?
45 He will reply, Truly I tell you, whatever you
did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me. |
The possible solutions along with hopefully helpful information, for these
three problems and many others, are given in the entirety of this topic.
By no means, is this topic a replacement for counseling when needed.
Caveat Primary Instructions that seem to plague modern-day marriages:
(a) Eliminate pornography for mutual and self-usage. This has the same reasons and problems discussed in point
(b) listed next.
(b) If you were previously married and have photos of your previous
spouse for the children's sake, then they should be kept separate for
the children's benefit only. Otherwise, if you have any
souvenirs, gifts, photos, linked social media accounts, email / phone
contact information from previous relationships (not
parent of mutual
children) then they must be
eliminated. All of these items, are ties/links to a previous
relationship, which can cause a damaging spiritual link. Biblical Scholars do
not have an easy explanation for the link, other than
1 Corinthians 6:16, which is part of the
spiritual facet of our
existence. When we have a Godly
relationship, then links from the past
cannot be included, or they have the potential to harm or even destroy this
gift link
that God gives in a covenant relationship. |
Background on this author:
- I was married for 24 years, with three children, where marriage
eventually ended because my wife became an alcoholic and she had an affair. I gave my
wife many years of treatment and chances to fix, where ultimately, I had to
divorce her after raising kids alone for almost ten years with little
participation from her as she lived in recovery centers. This gave my wife
many chances to break the bond of alcoholism, kept all three kids in
their childhood home going to the same school and created a stable
life for everyone. During the ten years, my wife had a few
relapses that included restarting of her affair. During those
years, I had felt the constant guidance of God, continuous support
and participation of my parents and great Christian friends.
For me and my kids, God made the period of my wife trying to get fixed
and being in the recovery places, actually a great period of fun
times which in retrospect was God rewarding me and my children. I
was coach to my kids in multiple sports, we had multiple cruises,
vacations everywhere (wife went on most of them) travelled
internationally, learned how to scuba dive, snow ski, ski bike, ride a motorcycle,
etc. At the end of the marriage, I used the
techniques detailed in the recovery topic to move on with life.
- At the age of 53, I entered the
dating-world where I had five
long-term relationships with the last one leading to marriage at 58 years-old. My
wife is truly God given, to reward me for the years lost, Joel 2:25.
Joel 2:25 |
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath
eaten, The cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the
palmerworm,
My great army which I sent among you. |
- My ex-wife has deeply regretted her past and has tried
desperately to get me back for many years. I have absolutely forgiven her.
She loves God and wishes she could erase her past. The
numerous consequences she has faced are very tragic where this is
mentioned for the reader to understand our
choices in life will reap
consequences
based on our sowing.
- All the experiences, books read, sermons listened to on
relationships, and most importantly the guidance of the Holy Spirit
is the influence of this topic.
|
A Change in Society
When cultures across the world changed from a primary agrarian
financial life to a predominately manufacturing, service and business management
society, the influence of roles in genders began changing and were often
changed permanently. These are two general summary statements that reflect
the differences between agrarian and modern-day lives:
- In the agrarian life, men mostly spend their time with many physical
activities that include farming and hunting. Women mostly spend their
time with areas in the home that include providing a desirable place to live
and preparation of meals. A married couple's children learn by
instructions and watching to formulate roles in their future families.
- In a modern-day, a non-agrarian family, both men and women can work in a
profession that provides financial benefits for a marriage where there is
predominately no difference on requirements of a working position being held
by one specific gender. A married couple's children learn that
regardless of their gender, they also can grow up and work almost any
profession.
When the agrarian life diminished and almost has become extinct, what
remained were primarily four commonly taught paradigms by a father and mother:
- Fathers teach their sons to treat women with respect, politeness, be
helpful and giving, treat your wife as an object of loving affection, and
provide security.
- Fathers teach their daughters that their husband should always be
giving, providing, loving protecting and will work hard in his profession
for her.
- Mothers teach their sons to also treat women with respect, politeness,
be helpful and giving, treat their wife as an object of loving affection,
provide a financially secure home.
- Mothers teach their daughters to expect their husbands to be respectful,
polite, helpful, forgiving, loving and provide a financial secure home.
There are so many other areas that parents negligently believe will be learned
by experience so they are not always taught. Additionally, society with
reinforcement from the entertainment industry and social media, incorrectly
imparts that it is not what we do for others but what people do for us that
makes us happy where we are not required to reciprocate. The predominate
problem with society damaging the marriage entity is the idealizing of a woman
of beauty and having men give them everything they want. Men are
supposedly reimbursed for their actions, time, and money with being able to just
be in the woman's presence so that the man should be happy.
When considering the four commonly and tacitly taught paradigms, there are
two problems areas where there is a great amount of details that can only be
taught verbally:
- Fathers are not verbally teaching their sons what to expect from their wives,
along with not to tolerate in a marriage.
- Mothers are not verbally teaching their daughters how to treat their
husbands, along with actions that will hurt and destroy a marriage.
Yes, children watch and learn on seeing their parent interact, which can
include times of adversity, but the children are not able to observe the most
important roles and requirements of marriage roles that are private.
Private areas include required sexual intimacy, correcting and guiding in
specific husband and wife roles that can involve strife, financial decisions,
family and private time, and other areas that parents shield their children from
observing.
Quick Good Ideas and Essential Understanding
Besides knowing the Love Languages, there are many other great ideas for
increasing your relationship. A article, dealing with a research work done
by countless research groups and individuals. Here are some summary
points:
- Show compassion in anything difficult or stressful being experienced by
everyone.
- Snuggle as often as possible with your spouse.
- Take time to acknowledge, appreciate and reciprocate with your spouse
when they are communicating with you. This should also be done with:
(a) Your friends where you should always smile and be happy to see them, and
(b) Acknowledge your pets, when you come into a room when they are there.
- Always tell everyone that is important in your life that you love and
appreciate them.
Essential High-Level Summary of Women and Men:
Women are built by God to have a strong inclination to think, judge and
compare everything through emotions. Their desire is for everyone
to understand their emotional reasoning when speaking and acting.
Women often also want to understand other's emotions, especially with
their children.
This is a gift
from God that men should desire, which will be part of eternity with
God, that enables great love and pleasure from the joy of understanding
and sharing others emotional happiness! (One proof is
given below in the Confrontation of Respect and Security section's
example #2.)
Note that another specific gift from God to women, is beauty that is
part of simply getting older during the teenage years to early adulthood
(after requires maintenance
just like men have to also maintain). This author would state
for women, it is analogous to inheriting a great amount of money and
then thinking money will always be available, so some women spend their
money (beauty) foolishly. For men to emphasize, it is easily seen
in life where people learn how to manage money when it is earned with
hard work, but money given for almost nothing is often taken for
granted.
As part of this gift of beauty to
women, God has men naturally
attracted to a woman because of beauty without even knowing anything about the woman.
Modern-day cynicism, by some some chauvinistic men, sometimes will state
that women do not have to earn attractiveness like men have to work on
obtaining attractiveness in perceived income and security. This
author is stating a woman's beauty is giving Glory to God. (See
the Glass Container of Marbles Analogy in dating topic.)
Women, because of emotional feelings, do not handle stressful
situations as well as men. Women can do tasks simultaneously, but
have an enmity in doing so because stress is added. Women try to
release stress by verbalization, stopping some of the tasks and extreme
cases by crying.
For men to relate to a dominance in emotions, as an example, imagine
the times watching your favorite sport's team making a blunder that you
(as a man) will instantaneously vocalize displeasure. Women can be
just as quick to express themselves to their husbands and others that
they love, which may not be accurately understanding an action by you as
the husband as being wrong when you did not mean it wrongly. For
women reading this, using the sport's team analogy, the sports team did
not intend to make a blunder to lose to the other team, and many women
can quickly be disappointed with their husband that causes a verbal
negative reaction that they regret later.
Men are built by God to have
a strong inclination to think, judge and
compare everything through logic. Their desire is to have
everything organized systematically as part of the solution, even if the
environment appears otherwise.
Einstein reportedly had a messy desk and office, but he said everything
was organized the way he wanted. Men
enjoy having problems solved and plans accomplished. Men also
enjoy problem solving in a orderly and sequential process, where
versatility in doing multiple tasks at one time is easily done for men
(when using logic and experience), but men prefer to systematically
achieve results and complete tasks.
There are a few popular funny videos stating men enjoy dwelling and
thinking about nothing, which reflects a misunderstanding from a woman's
perspective when seeing a man seemingly doing nothing but sitting.
While in a recreational circumstance, a man can generally enjoy watching
a sporting event with complete obliviousness to anything going on around
him, then this demonstrates men enjoy focusing which is advantage in
problem solving. This is also why a man can work an entire day at
a job, without contact with his wife through a text message, email or
phone call, and when getting home be excited to see his wife where the
wife will not necessarily be able to relate how her husband feels
excited to see her when no communications during the day have
transpired.
There are also a few funny
videos on women not understanding how they speak to men, such as
a
personal favorite from JP Sears, called man scripts. While it
may be very stereotypical, there is some great points for both genders
to recognize.
When a disagreement, problem or even verbal heated argument arises,
women generally speaking will use their emotions to debate.
Regardless if the man or the woman is correct, the problems are:
- The woman is going to be strongly compelled beyond control
to do otherwise, to emotionally speak about how the situation seems
or feels where she expects the man to
understand her feelings even if they are not germane to the argument
in regards to solving it.
- The man is going to be strongly compelled beyond control
to do otherwise, to speak directly about a problem with the fewest
words possible to quickly fix the problem.
- The woman is also going to regard most if not all comments made
by the man as the man getting out his emotions, when the man is
trying to actually solve the problem by bring up points that based
on logic in his mind to reason out the solution.
- The man is also going to not necessarily realize that the woman
is desirous for the man to understand her emotions so that she can
feel satisfied and loved.
Taking into consideration these four previous points, any comments by the man, during the argument on things said by the
woman, in an attempt to solve the problem often will make the woman be
emotionally angrier because she feels that the man is not responding,
feeling and understanding her emotions. Any comments by the woman
to the man, about how she feels about the problem in the argument, are
going to make the man angrier because he will feel that the goal of
the argument is to resolve it quickly and peacefully where adding the
woman's emotions to the argument is adding on to the problem trying to
be fixed.
Both genders need to always remember about each other's inclinations
and their own,
that without a maturity of restraint and correct approach to
speaking/understanding one another makes any situation potential worse:
- Women are always going to be emotional in their perceptions in
life that can actually hurt in problem solving during an argument.
- Men are always going to be logical in their perceptions in life
that damage a relationship with a woman when not recognizing the
absolute requirement to relate, show empathy and listen which may
require being compassionately silent.
In another important area to realize:
- Women are always going to remember the times that a man failed
or made them angry, but not necessarily remember the times when a
man made them happy or did wonderful things for them. It is
this author's opinion that this is required as part of a protection
mechanism that God gave women because they are weaker physically.
- Men are always going to remember the good times that a woman did
for them, but not necessarily remember the bad things done. It
is this author's opinion that this is because men are primarily
ruled by logic where solving a problem of a bad memory is to not
dwell or keep it in memory, where good memories are fun where logic
is to try to have them repeated which means remembering them.
Emphasis of Memories
Women, because they use emotions to such as high degree, will
remember times they felt hurt, taken advantage of, or neglected more
sharply than men. The memories can be possibly for their entire
life when dealing with something that has occurred from someone they
love. Negative emotions are often stronger in memories for
everyone, but especially for women. Consider when a woman's mother or
father dies at a hospital, the woman will often remember exact details
such as date, time, location, who was present, what the weather was like
and even possibly what they were wearing. A man, who loved his
mother or father, will not always remember the details so vividly, just
the solemn event with the horrible loss.
Men, because of logic approaching, will often be able to remember
exact details on where a car was parked at a crowded shopping mall's
parking lot, what were the movie lines about to be spoken on a favorite
movie not seen for twenty years, and what was the winning touchdown play
from his favorite football team on a playoff game. The importance
for the man regarding where the car was parked was efficiency in finding
the car after shopping. The movie line recall on favorite movies
for the man is based on watching someone doing something athletic,
winning or laughing which the man enjoys as a means of escaping from
other requirements in life. The winning touchdown recall memory is
strong for the man because he was excited to live vicariously through
the players on the team in winning. Women can enjoy movies and
sporting events, but it is more about the emotion of enjoying the
company of her man having a good time with her, where the details will
not be important as much to the woman as it was when the woman felt
negative emotions.
Men need to understand the consequences of negative emotions in a
woman, and women need to recognize the difference in how men save
memories that involve emotions. |
An example funny story that reflect reality on how men and women
are different. A happily married couple, who enjoy each other,
sometimes have a weekend for the husband and wife to spend time with
some of their best friends of the same gender. The husband and
wife always choose the same weekend so that neither of them are home
alone while the other is on the weekend vacation.
The husbands goes on the weekend, with several of this best male
Christian friends, to a ski-resort that has spectacular views, great
skiing, trails to explore on the mountains, and spectacular nighttime
skies to view while sitting around a camp fire in the woods.
The wife goes on the weekend, with several of her best female
Christian friends, to a spa resort hotel which has several amazing spas,
wonderful restaurants, heated outside pools, and beautiful gardens to
walk around.
When the husband and wife return from the vacation weekend, the two
of them talk about their weekend where the woman speaks first:
- The wife says the weekend was awesome as we had breakfast, lunch
and dinner at the hotel talking with one another, we spent time
talking while we were in the spa, and then we spend time at night
talking in one of our rooms. The man then asked his wife what
they did for fun? She said we had a very fun time just
talking.
- The wife then asks her husband how was his weekend with his
friends. He said we had a very fun time skiing all day, eating
on ski-run fast food restaurants, exploring the trails at night with
torches and finally sitting down exhausted in peaceful quietness
looking at the stars while we had some hot drinks. The wife
then asks, well what did you talk about. The husband said we
didn't really talk about anything other than what we were going to
do next for fun, how did we like each ski-run and what we thought
about the mountain trails. It was just a perfect weekend and
totally amazing fun time! The husband then tells his wife that
he wants her to go with him to the same place and do the same fun
things together.
|
Number #1 Needs for Both Genders
The primary requirements for men and women are reliant on receiving and
providing:
|
Receiving |
Providing |
Man |
The #1 need for the man in the relationship is
respect. |
The #1 purpose of a man in a relationship is to
provide financially and to protect the woman.
|
Woman |
The #1 need for the woman in the relationship is
security. |
The #1 purpose of a woman in a relationship is to
provide love for
the man's wellbeing. |
The problem with the #1 needs for both Genders is:
- Men are taught as boys to treat women with respect, dignity and
courtesy.
- Women are taught as girls what to expect from men such as
providing security, monetarily, and love.
but the discrepancy is:
- Men are not taught as boys what to expect from women and their
wives in a scriptural sense.
- Women are not taught as girls what to give to men and their
husbands in a scriptural sense either.
|
VERY, VERY IMPORTANT:
Respect keeps a man's ego healthy
and his relationship with his wife in a status that has benefits of
conversation, intimacy and security. Damaging a man's ego with
condemnation, chastisement, or embarrassment is a form of disrespecting.
After my mother passed away from cancer, my father married a life-long
friend of the family. She was my second mom and she told me
something that has stuck with me:
"At one point in my career, I worked for your
father. I never forget the time that I really messed something up
badly at work, which required a meeting with documentation that your
father had to perform. I came out of the meeting thinking I had
received a pep-talk that was meant to encourage me and give me insight
to not let it happen again. Your father did that with everyone he
had working for him in his career."
Security keeps a woman's well-being and emotional stability
healthy. A woman must feel and know that her life will not change
no matter what bad things happen to her that effect any part of life
including her marriage. Additionally, a woman has to know that no
matter what she does wrong, that her husband is there to support,
comfort and love her. |
Two very common thoughts of married couples that helps in understanding one
of the several problems that often happen in a marriage.
A man thinks to himself, but dares not to say them to his wife: "I
wanted to marry you because of how you treat me and make me feel because
of things you do, but now that we are married, you stopped doing the
things that attracted me to you the most. I don't know how to ask
what changed." A woman thinks to herself, and often will tell her
husband: "I married you because of things that you do for me that make
me feel safe and loved. Now that we are married, I want you to be
a better man and husband by pointing out things you are doing
incorrectly. |
Confrontation of Respect and Security
Example 1:
A newly married husband and wife who both have full-time
jobs. The man who works longer hours with a further commute, normally
leaves earlier to work and arrives home later than his wife. When the
husband gets home, his wife will always say hello from across the house while
she is doing something and when the husband finds his wife, the husband always
gives her a kiss.
One day the husband gets home from work before his wife
and is excited to see her when she comes home, so he goes to the door to meet
her and gives her a hug and a kiss. The husband enjoyed doing this and he
could tell his wife enjoyed the reception from him.
The next day, the
husband arrives home after his wife is home, which is normal and he thinks to
himself that when he walks in the door, she will be waiting at the door to hug
and kiss him like he did the day before. To his disappointment, it did not
happen, where he then asked his wife why she did not meet him at the door like
he did the day before.
The husband felt he was being disrespected since he
had thought that he had set a new standard for the relationship etiquette.
The wife, who had no idea that there was a problem, felt a since of security
being damaged because her security, in the marriage, appears now to be
conditional based on actions. Obviously, both the husband and wife have a
misunderstanding that is easily cleared and forgiven. This example
illustrates an aspect of the differences of respect and security for the man and
woman.
Example 2:
This author has experienced this and heard this repeated many times from many
male friends. A wife wakes up angry at her husband in the morning from a
bad dream where the husband did something wrong in the dream,
where in reality the husband would have
never done such a thing. The wife acts distant, angry and hurt with
her husband, where finally she tells her husband what he did in the dream and
explains that is the reason she is angry at her husband. The husband does
not know what to say to defend himself about something he didn't do and how can
his wife get an angry when she should know better that he could never do
anything like that to her along with dreams are not real.
As noted at the start of this topic, this demonstrates a woman's strong
inclination to think, judge and compare everything through emotions. While
a man can be woken from a horrible dream, where he is hurt or angry with his
wife in the dream because of something
she did that in reality would never do, the man will quickly realize the
dream is not real and quickly be relieved and not let the bad dream effect the
morning time together with his wife.
The Other Needs for a Man
The following list is not exhaustive and can be varied in order but generically speaking this
is in the order of needs for most men after the number #1 need of respect.
Note that in the following list, many marriage resources state that men are
starving for words of positive affirmation and negatively settle on a hidden
life of solitude in self-sexual fulfillment.
- Tranquility and peacefulness at home that involves gratitude with words
of thankful affirmation.
- Sexual intimacy which requires his wife to
maintain attractiveness.
- A best friend in his wife.
- A place in the home, like a home office, that he can arrange and put anything he wants in
it without fear of it being reorganized or hear criticism. It is
sometimes called a man-cave.
- Other male best friends who he can spend quality time,
apart from his wife, that reinforces his Christian manhood which in turn will strengthen
his relationship with his wife. This is were men enjoy talking with
their male friends about anything and NOT dump problems or burdens that
require a male friend to solve, be supportive or require assistance.
This is different for women who need one or more female friends to listen
and provide emotional and empathizing support.
- Alone time to reflect on anything and unloading problems from his mind. Because
men are problem solvers, it is NOT a good idea for the wife to give the man
a problem or list of problems before going to bed at night because his mind
and subconscious mind will wrestle with the problems that can prevent sleep,
intimacy or lack of good sleep.
- The ability to have his wife listen to requests for assistance
and provide help in the home, finances and quality-time together or with
other good friends who are men. Also allowing the man to have some areas
in the home to be to his liking
or preference.
- Having his spouse let him know that he did something right, pleasurable or
appreciated after a task. Without communicated appreciation then this is a sign of
disrespect in the man's mind.
- Not feeling afraid to open up with his wife regarding any feelings,
thoughts and actions.
The Other Needs for a Woman
The list is not exhaustive and can be varied in order but generically
speaking these are the needs for most women after the number #1 need of security.
- Tranquility and peacefulness at home which gives a sense of security
that plays into the #1 need of a woman.
- A sense of security to helps increase the desires and needs for
sexual intimacy. This is why the attractiveness
of the man is not as important as it may be for man and his wife.
- A best friend in her husband.
- Other female best friends who she can
and should spend time with, apart from her husband, where they are
there to listen to her thoughts and maybe problems providing emotional
support and emotionally empathizing. These other women are
there for each other to enjoy the unique needs that God gave women.
(Observation: there are often women who only have one close female friend in
their mother, which is rewarding, but when ultimately the mother passes,
then the woman is left with a very profound since of emptiness in her life.
It is important to have other women friendships besides a mother.)
- Complements that are given orally and also by actions along with small
gifts such as flowers or love notes. Love notes can be a yellow sticky
note left on the mirror in the master bathroom for the woman to discover
when the man is not at home.
- Surprise chores done around the house, yard or filling the car's gas
tank along with washing the car.
- Not being disparaging, derogatory or any body language in a playful way
or demeaning way done by the man when the woman is asking for assistance.
Men generally do not realize that this is a serious request even when the
woman is asking playfully to mask her possible embarrassment or inability.
- Attention to make her feel cherished, adored and valued to reduce any
possible feeling of jealousy. These actions will generally relieve any
concerns because of the man's affection towards her.
- Not feeling afraid to open up with her husband regarding any feelings,
thoughts and actions to solve. The wife wants her husband to
understand her feeling first and foremost unless there an immediate need to
fix something that causing stress.
- Woman do not want to have any stress in their lives so a woman's husband
should always try to mitigate problems that cause stress.
Warnings for Women
These points should be understood. NOTE that these points are relating
to a good Christian woman who is trying to fulfill the Christian role in her
marriage to a Christian man.
- An overwhelmingly high
percentage of men, who have been married and then divorced in many
surveys, have stated they would
rather live alone without love and companionship of a woman than be in a
marriage without respect. This shocks many women who had no
idea of this thought in men's minds and how men feel about not being
respected in their marriages. Many women after age 45 believe that
older men prefer younger women for attraction reasons, but this is not the
whole reason. Men, in anonymity of conducted surveys, have stated:
(a)
the attraction drew them to younger women initially;
(b) younger woman often
show more respect to an older man who can provide security for them;
(c) the
man feels that because of his age he is wiser than the younger woman and
believes he can always ensure that respect will be given or he will just
leave the relationship/marriage.
*
A negative example, of the
requirement of respect, is how a man
can fall into an affair with his administrative assistant or a subordinate coworker woman
where the man is getting respect from the woman which he is not getting in
his marriage (not that this condones adultery).
(d) For many reasons, not listed in this
topic, many surveys show that a majority of married men feel that they are
not given adequate or any respect at almost every stage of their marriage.
In today's politically correct, gender neutral and women are equals in all
thing's climate, many women unknowingly are usurping their husband's
roles/needs that can hurt or even destroy their Christian marriage.
- Wives often try to start changing their husband within a short time
after marriage. The women believe they are helping with comments to
change aspects about the man. Be very careful on how quickly and wide
ranging the attempts are made along with the method. Read this very
poignant short topic excerpt from a news article on
Dave and Ann Wilson.
- Men enjoy coming up with solutions and fixing problems. When there
is a problem in the relationship that can be caused by something the
husband did, and he sincerely apologies with acts of restitution, then this
problem should never be brought up again as the husband thinks it is fixed.
The exception is if the husband repeats the problem. If the wife
brings up a problem that was previously discussed and solved, when the
husband has never repeated the problem, then this is causing the man to fix
something that is not broken, which can be extremely irritating for the man.
- An overwhelmingly high
percentage of Men, in the early years of marriage, have a hard time
understanding their wives in terms of diminished sexual interest after
children. There are so many great explanations from outstanding
Councilors like James Dobson
who note that a woman's role of nurturing her young children after a
full-time job or when children get home after school, makes it difficult for
the woman to relax at the end of the day in order to consider
sexual
intimacy. The scenario for the woman is often something to the effect
of the following tasks after children get home:
(a) fixes dinner,
(b)
assists in homework assignments,
(c) gives/organizes bath time
(d) makes
lunches for children's next day at school,
(e) cleans the kitchen,
(f) sets
out her clothes to wear for work the next day.
After doing these
chores, the man who was also participating in them and often has very high
sex drives compared to women in the years before mid-life cannot understand
why the woman would not want to have intimacy to release stress and enjoy
their love. One Christian Radio program was discussing how women often are
worried about their children crying, need them after they are supposed to
be in bed asleep or will come into the room when mom and dad are having sex
even when the door is locked, which also adds to the problem of allowing relaxing time
for intimacy. There are a variety of solutions that this author will expand
upon at a later date, but this aggravates an overwhelmingly number of men
who share this in surveys and one another where this could lead to divorce,
affairs
and pornography. Wives need to understand their
husband's thoughts regarding the purpose
of sexual intimacy because there are common perceived
goals but there are other desires that women typically do not understand.
An excerpt from the Dating Topic section on the
Life Cycle of a Single Person's Selection Process
Unfortunately, there is a well-known problem,
which young and middle-life men speak candidly with their best male friends
and this is often illustrated in TV shows along with movies. It
is an extreme
lack of sexual fulfillment in their marriages where they wonder if other men are experiencing
the same problem.
Young and middle-age men will state that their sexual lives began great in early parts of the
marriage and then became almost non-existent because their wives are
constantly not interested in having sex. It doesn't matter if
the husband and wife are attractive and a great affectionate lover
as a factor of why this occurs.
Husbands get to the point of no longer trying to initiate and
asking, where the consequence is the man doing solitary
self-fulfilling sexual gratification that involves his imagination
with the possibility of
pornography and even
affairs. The wives then interpret their husband no longer
initiating and asking to mean they do not love them, and this leads
to the wife also doing self-fulfilling sexual gratification and
sometimes affairs.
God gave women the gift of enhanced emotional thought processes,
where the negative aspect with this gift is wives will try to assign
blame of a poor or absent sexual fulfilling marriage on their
husband. Of course, there are all types of scenarios, but the
overwhelming cause
of the problem, according to research recourses, is usually the wives.
On the rare side of problems, if a wife
gets no response from her initiating, then there is a possibility
that her husband has found other choices for his sexual needs that
has replaced his wife,
which should be an alarm warning for the wife to consider.
A wife can state that it cannot be their fault if there is no
desire because of hormonal imbalances, stress and lack of sleep, but
older women will state that the problem was her own lack of balance
and planning, routine exercise, eating correctly. Older women
realized that whenever they did have sexual experiences in the past,
when there was no initial desire, the desire did come after
foreplay that the younger wife should have realized on a routine
basis.
One of this author's best friends stated to me at age 35 that he can't
figure it out. If his wife would just have sex routinely, then she could
have absolutely everything she ever want that he could provide.
This same friend is now 62 years old, and after numerous health
problems, is unable to have sex anymore and he says his wife now
wants to have sex almost daily with little hints of hope routinely given
that involves his service without reciprocation as it can't be
received,
where he says it just makes him angry and he can't say anything.
He also believes she is now
having an affair. |
An interesting video
blog from the year
2023, has the woman "Pearl" explaining the reason husbands have affairs
is because wives "do not treat their husband like a man"
with complaining, disrespect and no sex. She adds that the wife must
take responsibility that part of problem of her husband having an affair is
because of her, and why does she care since she is not having sex with her
husband. This author
agrees with the possibility, but her assessment requires a little more
explanation. If a woman is:
- Complaining to their husband about his problems,
- Disrespecting their husband by not being an equal partner in the
marriage, where respect is a man's number one requirement in a marriage,
and
- Not having sex with her husband
then that will have the dual effect of:
- Having the husband be less desirable in a sexual intimacy desire by
his wife.
- Having the husband not even want to have sexual intimacy with the
wife.
Pearl, in her blog, also states no matter what is going on, the husband
should not cheat (have an affair) on his wife. This author absolutely
agrees. Women need to also understand that if their husband is not
having an affair then he is forced into self-gratification which involves
his imagination or pornography. A wife should want her husband's
sexual intimacy desires to be focused on her.
- Wives, who often have been alone raising children or grew up in a
divorced home where the mother had to assume the roles of the absent father,
often have difficulty in releasing the roles of the head-of-the-household to
the man in a new marriage. This is caused by the potential of the lack
of a good role model example or even the future husband who does not
understand his roles because of being raised in a divorced single parent
family.
- As part of the penalties of Adam and Eve's fall in Genesis 3:16, woman are told that their desire will be to control
their husband and unless he is doing something that is immoral or illegal,
then the wife should
not try to be controlling. Controlling will be taken as a sign of disrespect.
A woman's marriage desires were for her husband to be the guide and leader of
the
family in the ways God intended.
Genesis
3:16 |
To the woman he said, I will surely
multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth
children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he
shall rule over you. |
- There is a common belief, with today's politically correct society, that
women is told and expected to be equal to men. In a marriage, the
wives may excerpt dominance as long as she feels that she can handle the
problem, where at the moment of stress, will often dump the problem on the
husband to fix something which he:
(a) possibly didn't even know about
because his wife had sundry reasons;
(b) expected his wife to continue
working through it because that is what he has to always do.
In a
horrible example that this author has seen directly twice, the wives of this
author's friends were working at jobs that became too stressful and quit without even
discussing it with her husband. Quitting the job caused immediate grave financial
difficulties; and the wife's comment to her husband is she expects him to
fulfill his role of taking care of the family's financial needs. The wife needs to always discuss a problem before it becomes
critical no matter if there is a fear of it being embarrassing or it will
require actions that are not desirable.
- Most men, because they are made as problem solvers, tend to see
everything in a systematic point of view which includes eating. They will
serve themselves exactly the amounts of everything they want to eat.
Men have a tendency to save the favorite parts for last or to be eaten in a
specific order because they favor the taste combinations, where the whole
dining experience, in most men's mind, is seen from start to last. Women
often feel like they are sharing and feeling closer by reaching in with
their fingers or with fork to take a piece of food. This will offend
the man, unless he has volunteered something on his plate before the woman
even thought about it.
- Because men are problem solvers and have a desire for
efficiency/brevity, they may say things that can have two meaning because of
the words being short.
(a) As an example, a man might say "I will do that"
when taking over from something the woman is doing. The woman may feel
like, the man is insinuating she is incompetent, taking too long or doing it
wrong. Men, because of problem solving and efficiency are not saying
something to create more problems, stress or require conversation to explain
what they really meant. In the "I will do that" comment, a man thought
that he is being helpful, kind and speeding up the process.
(b) When women
watch two men working on a problem, they will see this illustrated over and
over where the two men are bonding because of the mutual help and short
comments.
(c) There have been many cartoons on social media that have
something to the effect of a man stating "If what I said can be taken two
ways, then I meant it in the good way because I would have no reason to
start a fight that I can't win with you, LOL". When men are meaning
something negative, the words can only be understood in one way and not two
ways.
(d) A woman arguing with her husband concerning the belief that his comments
were meant in a bad
way, when he immediately says that he did not, will make the man immediately
feel very disrespected because he is having to prove a negative is untrue
which he will feel is very ridiculous, insulting and a waste of time.
- Do not finish your husband's sentences or cut him off in the middle of a
comment because you assume you know what is about to be conveyed. Men
often begin sentences with a "because this is occurring" then therefore
"this other point" where the "because this" can be taken to mean a complaint
or a continuation of the "occurring" and that is not necessarily going to be
the case.
(a) As an example, your husband might say "You know we have been
going to the Lobster Fish House a lot lately and I think we end up drinking
too much wine with the dinner plus the place is very expensive". If
you cut him off before the "and", then there are many wrong possible
conclusions such as "my husband does not like my choices", "my
husband
wants to pick the restaurants" or "my husband doesn't like having to dress
up for restaurants."
- Emotional decisions are not dependable and cannot be trusted without
logic. This is one of the greatest problem areas for both genders but
especially for women. God made men to base so much of their decisions
on logic where there is still the temptations of greed, lust and temper for
the man to contend with but the woman primarily has the weakness of basing a
great deal of decision process on emotions. Women need to realize that
it is not important for their spouse to understand negative feeling no
matter how much anger or pain is felt, as it is more important to explain
what the problem is and the consequences. Many relational problems are
started from emotional decisions or words being said that should have not
been spoken. For more information, read the topic on
emotions.
- It is often difficult for women to release and forgive offenses done
unto them. This a very important area to understand and truly forgive
as detailed in the parable of the servant forgiven of
a large debt in Matthew
18:21-25. Harboring revengeful thoughts and acting on them will
cause
(a) Loss of productivity in God's service,
(b) Collateral and intentional hurting of others because they remind you of
someone who hurt you,
(c) Depression, and
(d) Loss of rewards in Heaven.
- Do not compare your husband with previous men that were in a
relationship with you.
- Do not expect your husband to always understand when they have done
something wrong. When a normal husband does something wrong, he will
apologize and men generally speaking do not seek revenge which would include
not apologizing as men are naturally problem solvers. Simple Internet
searches to reveal Therapist topics on counseling women often express men
have no difficulty in apologizing, but counseling sessions have abruptly
ended because the woman would not apologize. This author believes
women in relationships, and especially in therapy sessions, refuse to
apologize for something they did wrong because:
(a) The emotional conclusion that they should not apologize since their
husband has not apologized for something in the past.
(b) The emotional belief that regardless of herself doing wrong, they do not
want to be held accountable by admitting wrong as the wrong done is
understandable with problems done by her husband in the past.
(c) The emotional belief that by apologizing will put herself in a state of
vulnerability to her husband that she doesn't want to be appear weak.
(d) The emotional belief that her husband should understand that her
emotional reactions do not relate to reality of how she does not make
mistakes intentionally.
- More and more increasingly in Social Media, there is two warning that
men are telling other men to be very frightened of marriage commitments for
the two reasons:
(a) A man will be forced to provide very high financial support for their
children and also spousal support after divorce, where over 70% of all
divorces are initiated by women and there is a 70% chance of a women having
two affairs on their husbands in their lifetime.
(b) Men are further hearing in social media that love from their wife is
conditional based on ever increasing standards, where husbands do not set
any conditional standards, only wanting loyalty, respect, and sex that is
hardly ever given.
Genesis 3:16 |
To the woman he said, I will surely multiply your
pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your
desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you. |
Ephesians 3:18 |
Wives, submit
yourselves to your husbands, as is appropriate for those who belong to
the Lord. |
Warnings for Men
These points MUST be understood and performed by husbands. The order is
important which is why they are numbered versus bullet points:
- NEVER argue with your wife with
the purpose of winning an argument. For women, this will cause
them to feel defeated and bitter against you. A wonderful
video is from Jordan Peterson gives a great summary.
- Always lovingly and using soft
spoken tone of voice do not lose respect from your wife by your actions and
speech that sometimes may require defending your viewpoints and honor for
the entire marriage. Women tend to drift slowly into a role of
a mother with their husbands if not prevented in doing so. When a wife
drifts into a mother role with her husband, then this changes the respect
required from a woman, with her husband, to desire sexual intimacy and a
husband's leadership.
Many times men have heard from other men, and
even observed, that husbands:
(a) Visibly get exhausted with having to always defend their actions,
(b) No longer wants to spend the time to explain with their wife many
decisions are better when based on logic and not emotions,
(c) A husband eventually will just tolerate, never question and act
obediently with his wife, where there are the orders, not nicely asked
requests, to have something be done immediately.
All of this, in the husband's logic based on experience of history, has the
man getting to the point of just not wanting to have verbal disagreements
that lead to arguments where the husband has to apologize at the end even
when the wife was wrong. Unfortunately, ALL husbands must always have
loving approaches to correcting and preventing his wife from losing respect
for her husband otherwise the marriage will suffer. A husband must
lovingly retain and maintain proper marriage roles that have him being
respected as the head of the household even when a wife has a higher income.
When having a confrontation, which you as the husband are participating, it
absolutely only be done if you as the husband are innocent, without blame,
and only trying to inject an important point or observation.
Once you as the husband have made
your point or observation, do NOT require your wife to acknowledge you are
correct as your wife in most cases, even when she realizes or knows
you are correct, will want you to say I love you and let the argument stop.
By you as a husband making your point or observation, can also walk away
saying "I love you" to let her emotions relax. This author is married
to an amazing women who has a MBA and Masters in Engineering, where she lets
her emotions take her into arguments that she realizes are wrong after she
calms down.
- It should be your pleasure
to know that on many occasions, you will need to comfort your wife's fears
and anger on topics. This can happen on problems that you may have
felt were already solved. Most men, including this author, often that
it hard to handle discussing topics that a man felt were solved in a prior
event. This author, who has an extremely well educated wife with two
Masters Degrees, have noticed that she can be emotionally triggered on
something that requires discussing when I thought a matter was solved.
I have learned that my full patience in listening again and attentively on a
already discussed topic is required. Listening without judgment always
make my wife, and most likely most women, feel positively and emotionally
connected with their spouse.
- The method that a man uses to
solve problems can also be the greatest weakness
that cause troubles in their relationships!
Most men will let their wife know about the problem
and give the solution. This can often be expressed in a manner (possibly
with emotion) that will almost always be interpreted by your wife as
criticism! While you meant it as something being fixed, a woman's
natural pattern of interpreting solutions given from her husband, which was
not asked for, is to be skeptical and is weighted against security in her
relationship.
(a) Read the last bullet point on suggestions for Women with the paragraph
following to see an example. The solution is counterintuitive, which
requires you to rehearse and compose your thoughts so that there can be no
negative interpretation.
(b) If you are a woman reading this, then men do know about the problem and
it becomes very stressful and disrespectful for them to have to operate this
way. This is one of the paramount problems that scare men about
remarrying.
(c) This is an area where men do change after marriage. Before
marriage, they are very careful to always sound kind, thoughtful and
compassionate on anything they perceive as needing fixing. After
marriage, men tend to think they do not have to operate that way.
- Women were once little girls who enjoyed role playing games with having
potentially a doll house and dolls that were families. Men were once
boys and loved action games that usually relied upon physical actions such
as playing tag, hide and go seek, baseball, soccer, and others that required
also picking someone to be in a specific position on a team and who goes
first. When a wife tries to manage the entire home in every aspect,
then this is actually positive proof of her love for the joint home and the
husband should not object. A wife will want positive complements on
arranging the home even if it involves arranging a man's home office and his
side of the closet.
- When a wife is very concerned with her husbands health, then shows her
love even when the husband repeatedly states what he is doing is not going
to hurt himself.
- This is a very common misunderstanding by most husbands:
When wives feel relaxed, and with security, in their
relationship with their husband, then a wife will often speak about
anything using words that convey emotions. This can be a
wonderful opportunity for a husband to hear very positive emotional
comments that can even be negative. There are times that husbands need to
remember that a woman will often use emotional words and phrases to
describe something she wants to be changed, fixed or their husband
to understand, all of which can sound judgmental and negative.
(a) If the wife was not letting her husband know about her feelings,
that can be judgmental, then this would mean that she doesn't feel
close to her husband.
(b) Also, because a wife feels relaxed and secure then she is using
the gift from God to use emotions, with logic secondary, as the
primary ways to communicate with words and actions.If a wife is
not showing her emotions and not speaking in judgment then this has
the potential meaning that she is losing her love and admiration.
A newly married man with immatureness in being married, can often
think that his wife is being too emotional and judgmental with
offense being given to the husband and this is not his wife's
intention. A clich funny expression that is sometimes heard
is: "If you wife is not complaining about
things to her husband, then the wife is then complaining about
things to a man that is not her husband where that is bad." |
- Women have a natural tendency to
lose affection (and sometimes respect) in their spouses when boredom
and routines become the predominate life they are living.
Joyce Meyer caught
this author's attention several times, when listening to some of her
ministry's messages and reading her books, which have dealt with this
problem. In one of Joyce's messages, she was speaking to women about
understanding life is not about vacation adventures, romantic dinners,
surprise gifts, intimacy, but rather said life is routine. Joyce
said something to the effect of life is "waking up, taking care of family
needs, going to work, taking care of family needs, going to sleep", where
Joyce repeated this over and over to get the point across with the summation
that God gives a woman a man to lead the family where it is important to
respect, love and support him. For men, the important point is to
maintain a healthy romantic and love filled relationship, the man must try
to always give the woman:
(a) Vacations to look forward to,
(b) Romantic dinners,
(c) Surprise gifts, and
(d) Fulfilling sexual experiences.
- You need to be infinitely:
(a) forgiving,
(b) understanding and
(c)
patient!
When she says anything that is disrespectful or mean, you
must forgive her immediately followed by respectful questions or points for
her.
- Most likely the worst problem by
men concerning their wives occurs during disagreements or an
argument. You will have the perception that your wife is not using a
logical thought process and doesn't understand why she is upset or angry.
(a) Comedians for decades have given the quip warning to the man: "Your next
words will be the start of a new argument."
(b) Your frustration is having to explain or prove something didn't happen
or that was not the intention of what your wife believed.
(c) What is not understood in most of the cases, where a wife may not
explain it correctly, is the point that because she feels this way from
something that you were involved with then you are the cause.
Remember, that women do not handle stress the way men do where it can
severely affect a woman's emotions.
(d) You need to remain calm allowing her to tell you what you did wrong or
didn't do correctly. When she is finished, then speak to her about
what she is feeling about the problem so that she will eventually believe
that you understand why she is feeling the way she does against you.
Remember that it doesn't matter that you may have not had anything to do
with the problem, but it is your problem because in her mind, you are there
to fix stress and problems.
(e) Usually, within moments after a wife thinks and feels a mistake of hers
is resolved she will
want to move on. You may want to hear an apology from her for thinking
incorrectly, but this should not be required. Your wife will feel that
since you understood how she could feel angry, even when it was incorrect,
then you will also understand that she is sorry, so she will not mention it.
If she thinks that sorry is required, then she will feel that you didn't
truly understand her, and you have not fixed anything in the disagreement or
argument. If you understand that she is sorry then it will make you
also happier and allow you to grow in your relationship.
- When your wife loves you, she wants you to understand her
feelings on a topic or a problem, rather than understanding her logic on
solving any issue. Your tendency is to give a solution, which can be
absolutely the only solution, but it still requires you to relate to her
thoughts first and only after her desire of emotional understand is
reached can the husband give the solution.
- When necessary, you must absorb her problems, anger and all emotions
without being judgmental, condescending or giving unsolicited solutions.
Most women do not understand that when having their husband absorb problems
then the husband has to find a way to release the stress which they know
can't be re-absorbed by their wife. The husband needs to understand
this from the beginning of a marriage, and it is part of the responsibilities
of the husband and head of the marriage.
- You cannot lose your temper or display anger towards her, even if it
is righteous. Your place is to be the calm councilor and mediator as
Jesus Christ is for us all.
- Women are expecting their husbands to like a father figure to them which
means they expect you to solve all problems with or without their
assistance. There will be times when your wife will do something,
purchase something or even forget to do something where in her mind it was
not important because she expects you to always take care of all problems.
This can cause a feeling of disrespect, but your role is to buffer the problem
so that it becomes an inconvenience at worst.
- There will be many times in your marriage that your sexual desires and
attempts to be intimate will not be met or rewarded. Your role is to
always be infinitely patient and continue being romantic without
expectations that it will result in intimacy. In later points in the
marriage because of age, the tendency will be your wife will desire sexual
intimacy more than the husband so the man must keep himself physically in
good health.
- Husbands need to understand their wives' thoughts regarding the purpose
of sexual intimacy because there are common perceived
goals but there are other desires that men typically do not understand.
- At times you will need to stay determined to specific goals that will
require you to use the authority that God gave you as head of the household.
During these times, listen to your wife so that she can reflect her emotions
and concerns where this will let the goal proceed without causing friction
or harm to your marriage.
- Women generally are far superior to men in reading body language and
emotional indicators. Unfortunately, men can be frustrated, while
trying to find a solution to a problem that has nothing to do with his wife,
and during conversation with his wife make her feel that she is not desired,
appreciated or that you are mad at her because of your solution thoughts
that have nothing to do with her. The husband needs to always remember
the communication required for his wife to feel connected and valued in her
marriage.
- Women enjoy sharing food, experiences, thoughts and of course time.
You need to expect that your wife may desire to do something with you, eat
something with you or spend time with you, even if you had planned to be
alone or eat alone. The best approach is asking and do not assume your
wife will answer what she is really desiring. Your wife may detect that you
are wanting to be alone, and therefore answer that it is okay for you to be alone
when she really wants to be with you. You need to learn how to ask
questions that are framed in a way that does not make your wife make
difficult choices, in her mind, because of the way you have phrased
questions that convey the possibility or your desire to exclude her.
- Your wife is always expecting reassuring comments and actions even
though she may insist that is not the case. If you watch two women
discussing a difficult topic, the smart women will always tell the man later
that she was looking for words, body language and pauses to indicate how the
other woman is receiving her comments. Men generally relies upon their
words being receive in a constructive and problem-solving manner, so every
other communicative devise is taken to a much lesser degree. You cannot do
this with your wife.
- Women typically do not use the word "sorry" with their husbands
even though they think they use the word all the time.
In their minds, they are implying it by actions or by not saying anything
when they do some wrong, of course by accident. Your wife will give a
sad look or try to give a hug to replace the word.
(a) Men, in the problem-solving role in their life, like using the word "sorry" in every situation
that it can be used. Do not get disappointed or upset your wife
because she does not use this word or hardly uses the word.
(b) Some
therapists state women prefer not using the word "sorry" because they feel,
their husband should know that they did not mean to do anything wrong,
should see in their emotional body language and know that they are sorry.
Additionally, wives do not want to hear any words of disappointment or chastisement from
their husbands, so they avoid using the word, when possible, with the desire
to quickly continue with some other activity.
- There is a cycle that is difficult for a man to understand.
A wife will desire to talk about her problems with the desire for her
husband to understand without asking or wanting a solution. If a
husband speaks about a solution it potentially can add stress to the wife's
problem because she now also has to consider the aspect of solving along
with the emotional feeling that she is trying to get rid of. A man
sometimes should not share his problems with his wife because this adds
emotional stress that she will want to release back by talking about it with
her husband.
Ephesians 5:25-28 |
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved
the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing
her by the washing with water through the word, 27
and to present her to himself as a radiant church,
without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself
|
Ephesians 3:19 |
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh
with them. |
Some Suggestions for Women
- Dedicate at least one hour a day to spend studying the Bible with the
use of books and study guides. By doing this, God will always reward
you with increased understanding of the Bible and ALL matters in your life.
You will find that there will be areas that you did not know you needed to
pay attention to that may be something with your husband, children, parents,
job, relationships, health, finances and so much more that will be revealed
to you!
- Consider yourself always a work-in-progress that has a goal of pleasing
first yourself and then your husband. One of the most difficult
concepts to understand will be growing older and believing that you must
maintain anything that TV Shows, Movies, Internet Sites and Companies, who
advertise products and goals for women, will have the Godly goals for you.
Do your research on what time you will spend and what selections of leisure
time watching TV Shows, Movies and reading anything on the Internet that is
not uplifting or at least not hostile to a Christian Walk.
- Find other Christian women, who are exemplifying the type of woman that
you want to aspire to be and find out what they are doing to maintain and
grow as a woman and wife, which Jesus Christ would want you to be.
- Never stop learning, reaching for new goals and finding ways to make
your relationship with your husband better.
- Make friendship with more Christian women and look for women who need
help in becoming a Christian. By finding more friendships, you will
open up possibilities for you and your husband to make friendships that are
fun, edifying and mutually beneficial to facing life's struggles.
- Try to not let negative emotions dictate, invade, cause or manipulate
your actions in words, deeds and thoughts. This requires understanding
everything from the perspective of how Jesus Christ would handle all
situations.
- Always assume that the
conversations from your husband are meant in a positive way unless
there is absolutely no other possible interpretation. The clich made
by men is "if what I said can be taken both ways then I meant it in the
positive way." Women should remember that men, because of their
problem-solving characteristics, see conversations to be constructive and
not derogatory with their spouse and others.
Regarding the last bullet point on perceiving your spouse's conversations are
negative and hurtful to you, consider this example. If two men are working
on a car, they might be using short sentences and command-type requests for
tools or help from one another, all of which would make a woman think the men
are being disrespectful when actually they are enjoying each other's support,
work and companionship.
Furthermore, on conversations being
perceived as derogatory, as a woman you do not want to get to the point in
your relationship that your spouse becomes guarded on conversations and rather
than explaining what he meant will just say "I'm sorry" when he meant nothing
bad, so that he doesn't have to listen to an explanation from his spouse on what
he did wrong which he didn't think he did. This ultimately makes the man
feel very disrespected. To possibly make the matter worse, a wife might be
wrongly thinking and feeling:
- Vindication because the spouse understands how he hurt his wife
emotionally.
- Feels better for venting.
- Has stopped the spouse from talking like that in the future.
Some Suggestions for Men
- Dedicate at least one hour a day to spend studying the Bible with the
use of books and study guides. By doing this, God will always reward
you with increased understanding of the Bible and ALL matters in your life.
You will find that there will be areas that you did not know you needed to
pay attention to that may be something with your wife, children, parents,
job, relationships, health, finances and so much more that will be revealed
to you!
- Dedicate at least one hour a day to anything fun or relaxing with your
wife that will involve conversation. Your wife expects at least one
hour and more from you daily unless there are extenuating circumstances.
- Realize your position in the marriage. There will many times that
circumstances feel hypocritical because you will feel your wife gets to say,
do things, not say and not do things which if you had done or not done then
your spouse would be angry with you, where you have to ignore it when it is
from her. Your spouse will often feel that you are not doing your part
in the roles were this is because she does not see you doing them, which
goes back to you must communicate so that she will feel informed, loved and
taken care of. This is part of her #1 need of security even though it
goes against your #1 need of respect.
- When you are in the dating relationship, the two of you enjoyed fun and
romantic times that always led to intimate closeness. After getting
married, the same approach used in dating seems to not always feel
appreciated and respected where your goals of
sexual intimacy is not a
foregone conclusion. For men this is often joked about as "there was
something in the wedding cake that changed the relationship, so I should
have never let her eat that cake!". As the man, much of the problem of
not achieving your desires of sexual intimacy at the end of a perceived
romantic time is caused by:
(a) the problems listed above in "An overwhelming high percentage of
men" in the warning for
women section, which means it has nothing to do with you;
(b) women often believe
the rules of dating required specific expectations to be fulfilled that are
no longer operable after marriage;
(c) women often use intimacy as means to an end
in the dating relationship for the goal of changing a man's mind, getting a
man to love them, and becoming married.
All of
this does not mean your wife does not want intimacy, but it has to be
handled differently. To get past the problem, there needs to be a
different style adopted by you where part of the solution is to communicate
way before the two of you start a romantic time so that there are no false
expectations, disappointment, disrespect and even anger.
Do this Daily for your Marriage
There is no perfect list of things to do daily for maintaining the best in
your marriage. Here are some suggestions that were partially obtained from
several sources with enhancements including
YouTango, article by Lianne Avila, which this author periodically reads.
- Perform little acts of affection at the beginning, throughout and at
the end of the day.
(a) When waking up and going to bed, always kiss good morning and good
night.
(b) When going to bed, absolutely and always say a prayer for your spouse,
children, all relations, friends and even pets. This only takes a
minute or two where there should be one or two quick points of thanks for
what God has done that day and help on tomorrow.
(c) Sporadically kiss, hug and touch one another romantically when passing.
(d) This author, almost daily, will pick up my wife from below her
mid-section (so that she is high in the air) and
romantically grab her with my free hand where upon bring back to the ground
is followed by a kiss to the lips or neck.
(e) Run across the room in frolicking type of way to hug one another.
For visualization, think of how your puppy or kitten would run up to you
after not seeing for a long period of time where there is a little bit of
clumsiness acted out that conveys playfulness.
- Listen at the start of the day and a different parts of the day what
activities are going on.
(a) Do not do this in an interrogation or
verification of being busy type way.
(b) The method should be done with
interest and show excitement to hear about the planned activities and hopes.
- Find ways, when apart from one another, to think of your spouse
romantically.
(a) This will be ideas that can be talked about during a text, phone call or
when seeing one another next.
(b) This should include also sexual thoughts
that are not shared but for the purpose of showing love in intimacy.
- Always say words that convey appreciation, concern and care:
(a) "Please"
(b) "I'm sorry"
(c) "Thank you for doing that for me"
(d) "Can I help you with anything?"
- Have plans being worked on mutually for:
(a) Coffee, tea with pastry evening out during the work week.
(b) A weekend day or night to do something fun.
(c) Working on small excursion trips for a Saturday or Sunday along with a
possible work-week day trip.
(d) Develop plans and go on small or big vacations once every three to six
months which involve planning and mutual fun things to do for both of you.
Sexual Intimacy in a Marriage
Excerpt from the preface top area on
the topic on Sex: Sex is a gift from God, which is for:
- Pleasure,
- Physical Well Being, and
- Mental Health
that will bond a person with their spouse. Sex can also bond a person
with someone who is not their spouse when participating in it outside of a
marriage especially in adultery.
1 Corinthians 6:16 |
Or do you not know that he who is
joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written,
The two will become one flesh. |
Sex should be one of the greatest
pleasures in having a successful marriage but too often, because of the
misunderstandings between the genders, causes the absence of it.
It is the opinion expressed in many sexual advice sources for
marriages, which
this author's agrees, that
wives
have 100% of the responsibility to maintain a routine schedule
for sex in
a marriage. The husband's mutual responsibility is recognizing the
upcoming sexual intimacy and providing romance with mutual satisfaction. |
We know
from the scriptures that sex was still occurring at a very old age for the
Patriarchs in the Old Testament such as Abraham, Moses and many others. It
should be a vital part of every marriage. Being
physical fit and attractive is an important part of being a Christian
along with being a good spouse.
1 Corinthians 7:5 |
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by
agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer;
but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of
your lack of self-control. |
|
Concerning an additional important point about sex in
marriages: It should be easily discerned the importance of sexual intimacy in a
marriage, except when age doesn't allow sex, but because of the lack of proper teaching and candidness in the
Christian Community, there is a thriving of the wrong types of sexual
gratification and exploitation.
Consider the millions of photos, along with videos, on Internet websites that depict nudity and sexual actions. When
realizing that women
- Statistically are being paid very little (this is not stating
they should be paid a great deal of money),
- Not being paid,
- Are seen in various types of exhibitionism,
and
- Make the overwhelming percentage of nudity seen,
then
Physiologist are stating the primary motivation for women is the enjoyment of the
thought of herself being sexually desired.
When men are the primary consumers of
sexually explicit photography and movies, then the question is:
"When women enjoy the perception that a man is
stimulated by her nudity and a man truly does enjoy a woman's nudity then why is
there so much difficulty in regular intimacy in a very high percentage of
marriages?"
Before answering the question, there have been recent proposed
theories that when asking women if they can choose only one selection of
two hypothetical options:
- Extraordinary beauty for your whole life but you will never have
sexual intimacy.
- Ordinary beauty and aging but regular sexual intimacy.
Then according to proposed theoretical discoveries, a high percentage
of women will choose option 1, which helps in understanding the
difficulty married couples are facing as:
- Both genders will age
- Both genders will not retain youthful attractiveness, and
- A woman's self-perceived beauty will affect her desire
to be seen naked in sexual intimacy with her husband. This
problem also explains how a woman that has sexual desires, but has
become timid and afraid of being naked in front of her husband, can
enter into adultery because she is not afraid of being rejected when
naked since she knows that she still has her husband.
A large part of the solution to the problem and the question asked, when there is
mutual love for one another in a marriage, is:
- Women need to find documentation and teaching on how to maintain
proper understanding of her own self-esteem and maintaining her
physical beauty that is obtainable based on age. Note:
Internet searches can reveal many free such help sites, that require
a personal commitment that will yield many areas of benefits
including health.
- Men have a responsibility to their wives which is to provide
love, desire and patience along with maintaining a healthy,
desirable appearance.
When the two points just mentioned are implemented, then the question
is how often and who should initiate sexual intimacy in a marriage?
Of course, there are all types of scenarios, but
according to research recourses, the wives
have the primary responsibility and the regularity proposed average
is shown here in this link on
sex.
It is this author's opinion, regarding marriages lacking mutual genuine
love, then regular sexual intimacy is a great start for fixing and maintaining
a healthy Christian marriages. The alternative of not
maintaining sexual intimacy can cause many sinful areas in our lives
that can involve pornography and
adultery. |
Visualization Graphic
This analogy and graphic have been around for at least 40 years and portrays
the importance of the roles that are in the Christian Family.
Some humor that also dramatizes the point of how unfortunately men have a
tendency to not take care of themselves
physically while believing they
still look desirable, and women often have the
opposite perception.
Source: Public Domain from around 1990s. If source is known, please
contact site to give credit.
Difficult Truth for Men
It is your greatest privilege in life, that leads to happiness in your
relationship with your wife, is to dedicate your husband and father
responsibilities to the fullest of your abilities. As you mature as a
Christian, you will feel a great sense of love from God for doing the correct
responsibilities without disagreement, complaints, and negative thoughts in your
mind. The husband has the greater responsibilities, requires more effort
in a marriage for success, and is called to higher standard of accountability by
God.
The man that will have the greatest amount of
rewards in Eternity will
recognize in his Earthly life that doing all things pleasing to God is also
doing that for his wife also. There are hundreds of scriptural passages
with details and examples on how to be a good husband that is pleasing to God.
In the majority of all marriages, it might be difficult for the man to not be selfishly motivated
when expectations of the marriage are not being fulfilled. When a man
might become selfishly motivated, there can be sinful actions to replace
expectations that will result in suffering
at the cost of negative sowing and reaping.
These are most likely the top four common experiences that married men did
not expect in their marriage.
- Your wife is NOT going to always
give you the respect and praise you desire.
(a) Wives can absolutely love you for what you do but will not always show
her appreciation as a wife's inherit nature is to think it is expected..
(b) Unlike women-to-women friendships, male friendships with other men like to avoid and solve
problems to avoid stress. Men enjoy reaffirmation conversations of
friendship by always finding positive attributes in conversations with their
friends.
(c) Women's inherit nature, that Christian Maturity can resolve, is to look
constantly for ways to improve their husband and environment.
(d) Wives are always looking for way in fixing and upgrading their husbands,
like software systems regularly have done to give new features and fix bugs
in the code. The method used by wives can unfortunately be in the forms
of snide comments, nagging, criticisms, and negativity, where the wife believes her comments
are being received as constructive criticism. There are numerous
Pastors online telling wives not to do this. You as the husband must
take any of these types of approaches of her wanting to change you as
showing her love for you where if she didn't love you then there would not
be any comments.
(e) A wife will
always want every place in her home to be clean, organized, and looking
the way she wants it. She is always looking and wanting improvements
(upgrades), where evidence of this is also proven by the extraordinary
amount of daily online shopping done
by women. A husband really does not have a place that he can organize
the way he wants it with exception of the garage work-bench areas. You
as the husband must understand that your wife thinks she is improving the
two of your lives by managing the home fully, and most women think it is her
full responsibility.
-
Regular sexual fulfilling
intimacy, with sexual romantic love after the first few years of marriage,
is statistically very, very low according to Psychologist sources.
(a) In obscure ways, not to demean their wives, in men-to-men friendships
will have a man make comments
about lack of sex for weeks at a time. A comment often heard is "we
have a once a week date romantic night that might lead to
sexual intimacy with no guarantee".
(b) There have been decades (since the 1950s and way before then) of
television shows, movies, literature, and magazine articles that speak about
adultery being a society social norm where there is many causes that often
have the roots of no sex in a marriage.
(c) The lack of intimacy for men has caused
more than adultery, and has evidence of the lack of sex in marriage by the rise of
pornography.
[Note: This author has never had an affair and does use
pornography. Adultery and pornography has become prevalent in society
today.]
(d) Some Psychology articles on the internet state that
* Pornography is often a daily usage for men,
* Adulterers meet at least twice a week
for sex.
* Statistics
from the 1980s is 50% of husbands will have one affair in their lifetime,
so theories now are the statistics are much worse.
(e) The effect on wives from not participating in intimacy will:
* Have the husband
stop providing romance when there is no guarantee of a sexual fulfillment.
. * Will have a husband no longer ask to be intimate and no longer
will initiate intimacy with the wife.
* Wives will begin to crave romance and potential participating in
adultery.
* Statistics
from the 1980s is 70% wives will have two affairs in their lifetime,
with mostly single unmarried men, so theories now are the statistics are
much worse.
(f) In surveys, almost all wives will not tell the truth about their sex
life's regularity. When their husbands answer the same question
the answer almost always is never even close to their wife's answer.
(g) Unfortunately, some wives will use sex as a tool to inflict punishment
and rewards while believing it okay to do so. Do not hold this method
against her as it reflects immaturity that is God's responsibility to
change.
(h) For wives reading this section of the topic, do an internet search on
videos about sexual intimacy in marriages, and it is staggering the
complaints and women trying to help other women in realizing the problem are
actually easily fixable.
Yes, there will be the videos of women stating they:
* Are a victim in a bad marriage, or
* Their husband is too nice where his niceness is no longer
attractive in a sexual way.
Wives also need to understand, if a husband is denied sexual intimacy for
long periods, such as only once every other month or worse as often heard,
then the husband will solve the problem by no longer looking at their wife
as a sexual partner. Psychologists have given the analogy of a
family's dog has a food snack put near the dog, but the dog is denied to the
ability to eat it. The dog will instinctively look everywhere else but
the food snack that can also include walking away.
Men are naturally gifted by God to
be problem solvers, where the solution to absence of sex from his wife will
have the solution to no longer think of his wife as a sexual partner.
(i) This author does recognize that there are horrible husbands that repel
their wives from wanting sexual intimacy, BUT this topic is about a good Christian husband and good
Christian wife where this problem on lack of sexual intimacy is absolutely a
universal problem in almost every Christian and non-Christian marriage.
(k) It should go without having to mention that a husband forcing sexual
intimacy is absolutely a sin!
- The ability to relax and
do nothing when at home is not available until after a specific requirement is accomplished.
(a) Your wife, when she loves you, wants you to be part of all of her tasks,
trips to stores, home improvements done, and to have a good (often long)
conversation with her every day.
(b) This author comes from work every day to a list of items that must be
done (with her or separately) or my wife will feel not valued. Participating in a wife's daily
requests is part of the well-known "Love Languages" for most women. My
participation always makes her happy.
(c) Many men often either wake up earlier from a nighttime's sleep, or go to
bed after their wife goes to bed to have time to be alone for relaxation and
contemplation.
- Many men speak of the
double-standard that wives enforce on their husbands and that do not
apply to themselves. When reading about this area, Psychologist state
the reason is because the way women are designed with the preponderance of
using emotional thoughts on decision making. As a blessing from God,
you are to ignore the problem, that in some cases requires a very short
loving constructive comment, and then act as God would have you act that
gives Glory to God and rewards to you as the husband. A good Christian
wife will absolutely notice your actions and example.
You must do the following primary items, of a much longer list, for your
entire marriage and life:
- Your greatest happiness will become part of your life when you focus
your primary attention on Jesus
Christ which then reaps rewards from God to help you and guide you in
your marriage.
- Spend at least one hour a day in studying the scriptures, which can be
done through video, audio recordings, reading and prayer. Apply what
is learned to every facet of your life.
- Always attempt to learn more in ways to earn an income even after a
primary job retirement.
- Always pay attention to your health which absolutely requires
exercise and
supplements.
(Note: Everyone judges Christians, including other Christians, based on
appearance. If there are health and physical impairments, then they
are exclusion for not staying in good physical health and appearance.
You must spend time daily to exercise.)
- Always maintain love for your wife and no other woman, which includes
eliminating lust, pornography, and
adultery.
(Note: Women can go without sex, but men cannot. If your wife is not
providing adequately, then self gratification is the only choice without
pornography and affairs.)
- Absolutely do not pay attention to the social videos coming out that the
method for a happy life is to apply controlling and psychological methods to
have your wife fear the loss of you in order to get your wife to have sexual
intimacy and respect.
- Spend at least one-hour each day listening to your wife on how her day
went. Most women will start with any hardships and problems that will
be perceived as complaining and gossip where after they are explained
thoroughly then she will become relaxed and enjoy you being there.
(Note: An old axiom not heard often anymore is "if
your wife is not complaining to you about problems then she is complaining
to another man and that is not good". This author is not
trying to be funny, but it is often the best way for a man to understand the
absolute requirement to listen daily on his wife's life.)
Difficult Truth for Women
There are books written from outstanding men and women Psychologists on
helping women understand themselves. The most common and paramount problem
with a woman in her life is dealing:
- With Emotions that override logical decisions to not make bad decisions
and to not do wrong sinful
actions.
- With Emotions that override long term happiness for short-term sinful
pleasures participate in gossip, and hold onto revengeful desires with no
forgiveness.
(a) It so prevalent with wives, and women, to hold on to painful memories
with the ability to remember even though they happen multiple decades
earlier. This is causes resentment that can be inadvertently directed
towards your husband when there might be an event that resembles any painful
memory.
(b) A husband will ask: "How and why don't you
release the memory by simply forgiving? We go to the shopping mall and
you can't remember where we parked which was just an hour earlier."
- With Emotions that stop the Godly requirements of being a Godly wife, mother,
sister, and friend to other women.
(a) Psychologist point out that emotions sometimes causes a woman to not act
with love.
(b) An often heard occurrence is a wife waking up from a dream where her
husband in the dream either was lusting after another woman, had an affair
or ignored her in the dream. The wife is angry and immediately is
vindictive towards her husband. Husbands have the same types of dreams
and when they wake up, they know it is not reality.
- With Emotions, many women will cause troubles in their marriages
Women will state they can know when their husbands are doing something
wrong without any proof:
(a) Women call the proof, without
any substance, "intuition"
and women believe their intuition is almost perfect in knowing when bad
things are happening.
(b) If this "intuition" ability is true, then the question to expose the
fallacy of intuition in all of life is:
"How come you can never use our intuition to
know when your husband is
not happy with you as his wife?"
The evidence is because the vast majority of husbands learn very quickly not
to ever show their lack of contentment with their wife. When showing
and speaking about problems with their wife will cause all kinds of problems
such as fights, stopping her acts of love, her not willing to discuss the
problem, and blaming her husband for the problem. This then eventually
causes the the husband having to apologize, make restitution, and
never bring up the problem ever again.
- With Emotions, women will have problems with sexual intimacy with their
husbands because the romantic early stages of a marriage are gone which were
often the catalyst for sexual desires. For more on the woman's
responsibilities on sexual intimacy, where there are
some Psychologists and this author state that sexual intimacy is 100% the
wife's responsibility.
A woman's positive emotions is one of the most attractive aspects for a man that
can cause a husband to do anything for his wife. Positive emotions from a
man's wife is
second only to beauty when showing emotions as God had attended a women to show. Emotions can be the greatest attribute of a woman
maintaining the health of her marriage when she shows an emotional connection,
in all of the forms, to her husband.
These are most common problem desires for a woman in herself that affects her marriage:
- You are not going to be beautiful as much as you were when were a
teenager going into your twenty years of age range. You can remain
beautiful, based on your age group that absolutely requires
exercise and
supplements. Your
happiness should NOT be based on how you perceive your beauty.
- Your husband will want to have
regular sexual intimacy, and you will want ALL of the accompaniments
that are not going to be present every time for you to allow the intimacy to
happen.
- Your perceived self fulfillment is going to be based on emotional
satisfaction metrics that routinely change and are not going to be
fulfilled.
You must do the following primary items, of a much longer list, for your
entire marriage and life:
- Your greatest happiness will become part of your life when you focus
your primary attention on Jesus
Christ which then reaps rewards from God to help you and guide you in
your marriage.
- Spend at least one hour a day in studying the scriptures, which can be
done through video, audio recordings, reading and prayer. Apply what
is learned to every facet of your life.
- Do NOT listen to secular sources in the media, entertainment and
friendships that state a woman can and should be equivalent to a man.
This is often called feminism, and this belief in feminism is one of the
satanic realms greatest deceptions that destroys a family, the life of a
woman and causes so many problems in other people's lives that are primarily
other women.
Note: There can be a very large volume of scriptural explanations along
with even secular reasons why feminism is evil.
(a) This author is NOT stating a woman should not work in a full-time
employment with other men in specific employment types of industries.
(b) In a very few employment industries, a woman can actually be more
successful and a better employee or manager than a man because of attributes
in a woman that a man does not have.
(c) A woman is not designed emotionally by God, differently than men, to handle a
promiscuous sexual lifestyle as it destroys her ability to bond with a
husband, which is very difficult according to the scriptures to recover.
A man is not to be promiscuous either, which
absolutely has painful repercussions
from God, but men have different consequences. In both genders,
the consequences can be mitigated and removed with
God's Grace and Mercy.
Sexual promiscuity in a marriage or outside of a marriage has similar causes
and consequences as read more in the topic on
Adultery and also on
Pornography.
(d) A woman believing that she is equivalent to a man will prevent her from
fully enjoying the life that God has designed her to have which consists of
many benefits that completes a marriage as the gifts from God to a woman are
needed by a man as the man does not have them.
- You must develop an attitude of not competing with other women in the
areas of beauty and absolutely stop negative gossiping.
(Note: See the topic on Women's
friendships with other women for more information.)
- Find ways to give your husband peace, respect and sexual fulfillment as
with most Godly men the giving of these things by their wives is all they
want in their life to be fully happy.
A Final Summary
For women, realize that men are very simple to understand their requirements for
making them happy on a daily basis.
Eliminating one of these four causes a man to absolutely look for a solution and
causes him to feel denied.
- Food,
- Respect,
- Leisure time, and
- Sex (see topic on sex for how
often)
For men, realize that women primarily use emotions to think about their desires and what is
required at that time to make
them happy on a daily basis in a
relationship. The list can change and then be the same list on
another day, but primarily require you to:
- Always reflect confidence, that keeps her respect for you, as this makes a women feel security
along with being attracted to you.
- Solve problem without being asked, but make sure she sees you doing
them if possible or the results.
- Find a way to make her laugh throughout the day.
- Use positive emotional language that makes the woman feel empathy,
sympathy, enthusiasm, romantic and sexual desires, and peaceful security.
- Make sure that you never let more than a few hours go by without
communicating in some way such as texting, emailing and phone calls.
Listen, emphasize, and do not her solve problems unless asked.
(Note that some so-called "relationship helps" reflect to never respond
instantaneously to a text, but this author is presuming the relationship
is more mature.)
- Show affection, without the goal of sex and sexual touching, that
reflect your being desirous of her.
What to read next?
See Dating and Dating Sites.
Friendships between women and other women.
For the family in crisis
Adultery & Cheating -
Affairs &
Divorce & Relational breakups and for the importance of Christ in our
employment Abuse of Power
Hope for an old relationship from the past: 60
Year Love Story