Wives Responsibility

Creation date: 21-Dec-2022
Maintaining Marriage Sexual Intimacy

Last updated: 17-May-2024
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Warning: Mature Subject matter is contained in this topic.   This topic does not replace the possible requirements for medical and therapy consultation.
Sections

1 Purpose of this Topic 2 Preface
3 An Analogy for Women 4 Maintaining Marriage Sexual Intimacy
5 A Sad & Common Marriage Problem 6 Women Must Feel Emotionally Connected
7 Learning from Other Women's Mistakes    

Purpose of this Topic

The purpose of this topic is to assist help women in their understanding of the responsibility of a sexually rewarding marriage is primarily the wife's responsibility.  The stereotype belief is the husband is responsible where this is absolutely not true.  A husband's role is to be the primary initiator in most romantic situations that lead to sexual intimacy, where sometimes there will not be romance to proceed sexual intimacy because of time constraints.  Wives absolutely can and should initiate romance to lead to sexual intimacy also, but the wife's responsibility is maintaining consistent intimacy based on agreed regularity.

Ultimately, in most marriages before a man's mid-life, husbands will desire sexual intimacy very regularly where the wife may desire but does not make the time to permit sex which is why the wife is responsible for maintaining sexual intimacy in the marriage.  As a woman, do an internet search on "sexless marriages" on YouTube and only watch the presentations from women physiatrists and the presentations, some are T.E.D. talks, that state almost exactly what this topic on Biblical Thoughts is stating to help with the problem. 

Up until mid-life, atypically 50 years-old, wives because of stress, lack of sleep, children, hormonal problems, menopause, emotional anger not released and other causes will often not want to plan or allow sexual intimacy with their husbands.  Regarding planning as a prerequisite for sexual intimacy, for most women planning is very important after the other problems were removed.  When a wife is looking forward to sex with her husband, then she will dedicate preparation time ahead of the encounter where if there isn't that time for preparation then she often removes the option to have sex in her day.  As a corresponding proof, a married couple can recall in the dating process and early parts of a marriage, how eager a woman was to spend time on a date where she planned everything about what she was going to wear, perfume to use, hair style, jewelry and so much more.

Men equate sexual intimacy with love for a successful marriage where there is not many requirements for preparation.  As read in the topic on sex concerning hygiene dealing with husbands, the need for planning and hygienical preparation time is not a requirement for themselves and in the husband's mind sometimes not even for their wives as having sex is the immediate goal.

When reading this entire topic, women will realize that their husbands for a majority of the marriage, until after mid-life, has a stronger desire for sexual intimacy, that requires a wife to find balance in her life and to find a routine for mutually understood days in a week (based on age) that still allows the possibility of impromptu sexual time.  When there is balance and mutually understood routines, then this will hopefully eliminate the negative misunderstandings, feeling of being deprived, anger, disappointment and much worse.

Preface

This topic is stating the following preface points:

  1. Men are never to demand, force or apply guilt to their wives in order to obtain sexual intimacy.
  2. Men are never to remind their wives of the role of a wife to maintain regular sexual intimacy.
  3. Men are never to demand, force or apply guilt to their wives to perform any sexual acts that the wives do not want to perform.
  4. Men and Women are never to use the lack of sexual intimacy to commit adultery. 
Note that this author is a husband who has suffered in this area of desiring more intimacy with my wife, as it seems every man that I have known to talk about it until a woman reaches a certain age.  Most wives seem to reach around 50 years of age or older and then become very desirous of intimacy without any catalyst. 

This author's first marriage lasted 24 years, that I ended for Biblical Reasons.  Some additional information can be read in the "background on this author" section in the Roles in a Relationship topic  This author:

  • Experienced worse problems
  • A period that was absolutely horrible, tough, then God blessed years and finally a new great second marriage
  • A great deal of knowledge gained from the experience and knowledge from books

all of which are being used to help others in counseling, topics like this one and others dealing with relationships.

Why this topic is important:

While the reasons for the problems all men seem to encounter may be slightly different for every situation for husbands, I personally know of many men having the result of entering into affairs on their wives with devastating consequences.  While this author has never committed adultery, I can understand why these men, who were Christians, gave into the temptations after multiple years and years went by with only sporadic intimacy because their wives (who loved their husbands dearly) were unable to get past barriers caused by stress, lack of sleep, children, hormonal problems, menopause, emotional anger not released and other problems.
 
1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Unfortunately, men between the ages of eighteen years-old to most likely around the age of sixty years-old, will complain about not being sexually satisfied along with the possibility of not having enough spontaneity and variations of sexual love making.

The importance of sexual intimacy is to maintain many important aspects of the marriage along with preventing all of our selfish desires that may include lust and desires for sexual experiences with others, that can lead to adultery. 

It is interesting that as we age, that in the senior years it is God's loving providence to take away some of the stronger sexual desires, along with other worldly desires that can include wealth and power, of earlier life in order for all of us to focus on what is important in life listed in the Rewards in Heaven five areas next for all men and women.

This list of five is an excerpt from Rewards in Heaven topic.

Everything done through faith that:

  1. Developed a relationship with God and loving God more and more,
  2. Did activities in God's Service,
  3. Faithfulness to the guidance of the Holy Spirit
  4. Righteously suffering, and
  5. Overcoming sinful areas and obstacles in life through the Holy Spirit.

will contribute to rewards in Heaven.

1 Corinthians 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Regarding importance of God's directives for us regarding sexual intimacy and much more:

1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Song of Songs 7:7-10 6 How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights! 7 This thy stature is like to a palm-tree, And thy breasts to its clusters. 8 I said, I will climb up into the palm-tree, I will take hold of the branches thereof: Let thy breasts be as clusters of the vine, And the smell of thy breath like apples, 9 And thy mouth like the best wine, That goeth down smoothly for my beloved, Gliding through the lips of those that are asleep. 10 I am my beloved s; And his desire is toward me. 11 Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; Let us lodge in the villages.12 Let us get up early to the vineyards;
Let us see whether the vine hath budded, And its blossom is open, And the pomegranates are in flower: There will I give thee my love.
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

An Analogy for Women to Understand Men's Sexual View with their Wife

Younger women, along with middle age women, often do not know and cannot comprehend the desires that their husbands can have which has them quickly desiring sexual intimacy based on absolutely nothing but the man being with his wife.  Young men often quickly will understand in the beginnings of their marriage that romance is often an absolute requirement in order to possibly have sexual intimacy which very disappointedly does not always lead to sexual intimacy. 

The analogy below gives a great comparison for wives to understand their husbands who are in the age range of 18 to around 55 years old.  As noted in other topic areas of Biblical Thoughts for God's Glory, the desire for sexual intimacy changes for both genders as we all get older. 

The Analogy:

You, as a young wife, are told that you have inherited the following gift from you father for your enjoyment of your entire life:

  1. Your father's high priced and high fashion jewelry, clothing and shoe store near (which is next door to your house) is there for your unrestricted use to select and wear anything free of charge with one stipulation listed below on #3.
  2. Any day you desire, you can go into the jewelry, clothing and shoe store and pick out:
    (a) A watch, earnings, bracelets, rings, pendants and other accessories from the jewelry store to wear for the day.
    (b) An outfit from the clothing store to wear for the day.
    (c) A pair of shoes to wear for the day.
  3. Within a few days after selecting any items from the three stores you must return them without concern of wearing and using them.
  4. The stores are always getting in new items that are the latest in beauty, fashion and functionality for all social, sporting and work day experiences.
  5. You can always reselect items previously worn to wear again with the same provision of returning them within a few days.

As a woman, how often would you be excited and have desire to go into the stores?   Your desire to go to the stores would most likely be several times a week or even possibly daily as you possibly try on items there before taking them out of the store.

A husband for most of his marriage has the same sort of desires where he believes, loves and sees his wife with sexual excitement that he wants to have intimacy like the woman who has unrestricted access to the three stores of the analogy. 

Now imagine as a wife being taken by your husband to the best jewelry, clothing and shoe stores and told:

  1. You can look but you cannot touch.
  2. You cannot purchase anything even though we have enough money and even a credit card. 
  3. Maybe on another day I will let you touch and purchase something.  

As a wife, how would you feel towards your husband after these three previous statements?  You, as a wife would most likely feel:

  1. What is the purpose of going to the jewelry, clothing or shoe stores if I can never even touch, handle or buy anything?
  2. You, as the wife, would think that your husband does not love you like he once did.

Maintaining Marriage Sexual Intimacy

Wives, after reading the previous section of this topic, can then start to understand that marriage intimacy is dependent upon you as the wife because the wife is the store with which a husband enjoys going to daily.

A husband, for most of the marriage starting at youth, will desire routine sexual intimacy that requires his wife to find ways to relax, be in the mood and have desires.  A husband absolutely must provide security, love and romance to be part of sexual intimacy, where romance sometimes is not going to have the possibility because of responsibilities for that day, which should not be a deterrent for considering a quick sexual intimacy time.

1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The following is an excerpt from the Marriage Roles topic:

Regular sexual fulfilling intimacy, with sexual romantic love after the first few years of marriage, is statistically very, very low according to Psychologist sources.
(a) In obscure ways, not to demean their wives, in men-to-men friendships will have a man make comments about lack of sex for weeks at a time.  A comment often heard is "we have a once a week date romantic night that might lead to sexual intimacy with no guarantee".
(b) There have been decades (since the 1950s and way before then) of television shows, movies, literature, and magazine articles that speak about adultery being a society social norm where there is many causes that often have the roots of no sex in a marriage.
(c) The lack of intimacy for men has caused more than adultery, and has evidence of the lack of sex in marriage by the rise of pornography.
    [Note: This author has never had an affair and does use pornography.  Adultery and pornography has become prevalent in society today.]
(d) Some Psychology articles on the internet state that
    * Pornography is often a daily usage for men,
    * Adulterers meet at least twice a week for sex. 
    * Statistics from the 1980s is 50% of husbands will have one affair in their lifetime, so theories now are the statistics are much worse.
(e) The effect on wives from not participating in intimacy will:
    * Have the husband stop providing romance when there is no guarantee of a sexual fulfillment.
 .  * Will have a husband no longer ask to be intimate and no longer will initiate intimacy with the wife. 
    * Wives will begin to crave romance and potential participating in adultery.  
    * Statistics from the 1980s is 70% wives will have two affairs in their lifetime, with mostly single unmarried men, so theories now are the statistics are much worse.
(f) In surveys, almost all wives will not tell the truth about their sex life's regularity.  When their husbands answer the same question the answer almost always is never even close to their wife's answer. 
(g) Unfortunately, some wives will use sex as a tool to inflict punishment and rewards while believing it okay to do so.  Do not hold this method against her as it reflects immaturity that is God's responsibility to change.
(h) For wives reading this section of the topic, do an internet search on videos about sexual intimacy in marriages, and it is staggering the complaints and women trying to help other women in realizing the problem are actually easily fixable.  Yes, there will be the videos of women stating they:
    * Are a victim in a bad marriage, or
    * Their husband is too nice where his niceness is no longer attractive in a sexual way.
Wives also need to understand, if a husband is denied sexual intimacy for long periods, such as only once every other month or worse as often heard, then the husband will solve the problem by no longer looking at their wife as a sexual partner.  Psychologists have given the analogy of a family's dog has a food snack put near the dog, but the dog is denied to the ability to eat it.  The dog will instinctively look everywhere else but the food snack that can also include walking away.  Men are naturally gifted by God to be problem solvers, where the solution to absence of sex from his wife will have the solution to no longer think of his wife as a sexual partner.
(i) This author does recognize that there are horrible husbands that repel their wives from wanting sexual intimacy, BUT this topic is about a good Christian husband and good Christian wife where this problem on lack of sexual intimacy is absolutely a universal problem in almost every Christian and non-Christian marriage.
(k) It should go without having to mention that a husband forcing sexual intimacy is absolutely a sin!

A Sad & Common Marriage Problem

An excerpt from the Dating Topic section on the Life Cycle of a Single Person's Selection Process

Unfortunately there is a well-known problem, which young and middle-life men speak candidly with their best male friends and this is often illustrated in TV shows along with movies.  It is an extreme lack of sexual fulfillment in their marriages where they wonder if other men are experiencing the same problem. 

Young and middle age men will state that their sexual lives began great in early parts of the marriage and then became almost non-existent because their wives are constantly not interested in having sex.  It doesn't matter if the husband and wife are attractive and a great affectionate lover as a factor of why this occurs.  

Husbands get to the point of no longer trying to initiate and asking, where the consequence is the man doing solitary self-fulfilling sexual gratification that involves his imagination with the possibility of pornography and even affairs.  The wives then interpret their husband no longer initiating and asking to mean they do not love them, and this leads to the wife also doing self-fulfilling sexual gratification and sometimes affairs.  

God gave women the gift of enhanced emotional thought processes, where the negative aspect with this gift is wives will try to assign blame of a poor or absent sexual fulfilling marriage on their husband.  Of course there are all types of scenarios, but the overwhelming cause of the problem, according to research recourses, is usually the wives.   (This is explained earlier in this topic.)

On the rare side of problems, if a wife gets no response from her initiating then there is a possibility that her husband has found other choices for his sexual needs that has replaced his wife, which should be an alarm warning for the wife to consider.

A wife can state that it cannot be their fault if there is no desire because of hormonal imbalances, stress and lack of sleep, but older women will state that the problem was her own lack of balance and planning, routine exercise, eating correctly.  Older women realized that whenever they did have sexual experiences in the past, when there was no initial desire, the desire did come after foreplay that the younger wife should have realized on a routine basis. 

One of this author's best friends stated to me at age 35 that he can't figure it out.  If his wife would just have sex routinely, then she could have absolutely everything she ever want that he could provide.  This same friend is now 62 years old, and after numerous health problems, is unable to have sex anymore and he says his wife now wants to have sex almost daily with little hints of hope routinely given that involves his service without reciprocation as it can't be received, where he says it just makes him angry and he can't say anything.  He also believe she is now having an affair.

An interesting video blog from the year 2023, has the woman "Pearl" explaining the reason husbands have affairs is because wives "do not treat their husband like a man" with complaining, disrespect and no sex.  She adds that the wife must take responsibility that part of problem of her husband having an affair is because of her, and why does she care since she is not having sex with her husband.  This author agrees with the possibility, but her assessment requires a little more explanation.  If a woman is:

then that will have the dual affect of:

  1. Having the husband be less desirable in a sexual intimacy desire by his wife.  
  2. Having the husband not even want to have sexual intimacy with the wife.

Pearl, in her blog, also states no matter what is going on, the husband should not cheat (have an affair) on his wife.  This author absolutely agrees.  Women need to also understand that if their husband is not having an affair then he is forced into self gratification which involves his imagination or pornography, with thoughts of other women.  A wife should want her husband's sexual intimacy desires to be focused on her.

See this video from a married's woman's perspective on how women react to their husbands giving up on perusing intimacy.

Women Must Feel Emotionally Connected

There is information coming from several clinical psychologist who state the reason why wives stop desiring sexual activity with their husbands is because they do not feel an emotional connection to their husband that once was there.  This is absolutely true as a possibility in most cases, where there are several points to summarize as an analysis of the problem between the two genders in a marriage.

Most likely most men do not understand the full range of emotional needs of a woman are for the entirety of a marriage, as many facets of a wife's needs are not the same as a husband's needs.  In the beginning of a relationship a man is getting to know about his future wife where all details, with emotions, are of important interest to him.  After marriage, unless there is a problem that must be fixed, then a man wants and believes the next phase of their relationship is about:

  1. Duties in their life such as providing financially,
  2. Maintaining house items that can be broken, and
  3. Relaxing after work with their wife.

A husband, unfortunately to their wives, enjoy hearing from their wives:

  1. What things she did in a summary first and if details are needed then the husband will ask.
  2. What fun and relaxing things are they going to do together after handling any husband and father duties.

A good husband understands that his wife needs to express herself which may require very detailed listening dealing with all types of problems where the wife is expecting her husband to have empathy with reactions that show and include being quite, hugging, holding hands and also stating he would feel the same way. 

Imagine a scenario in a employment, where a manager comes to the man subordinate about a problem, and the subordinate reacts to a problem being told by the manager with comments like

Those responses may be appropriate in some circumstances, but the purpose of a manager meeting on problems is to get them solved.  This unfortunately to wives is how husbands often approach relationships during emotional discussions in marriage where discussions are treated like a business arrangement which then breaks the emotional bond that the wife has for her husband.

Both genders need to be mature in their understanding of each gender's differences, where the husband has the greater responsibility to be emotionally connected to his wife, and next the wife has to understand a husband's proclivities on emotions are very different.

Husbands, that are reading this topic, absolutely must daily and throughout the day look for ways to emotionally connect with their wife.

This is an excerpt from the Roles in a Relationships topic:

An example funny story that reflect reality on how men and women are different.

A happily married couple, who enjoy each other, sometimes have a weekend for the husband and wife to spend time with some of their best friends of the same gender.  The husband and wife always choose the same weekend so that neither of them are home alone while the other is on the weekend vacation.

The husbands goes on the weekend, with several of this best male Christian friends, to a ski-resort that has spectacular views, great skiing, trails to explore on the mountains, and spectacular nighttime skies to view while sitting around a camp fire in the woods.

The wife goes on the weekend, with several of her best female Christian friends, to a spa resort hotel which has several amazing spas, wonderful restaurants, heated outside pools, and beautiful gardens to walk around.

When the husband and wife return from the vacation weekend, the two of them talk about their weekend where the woman speaks first: 

  1. The wife says the weekend was awesome as we had breakfast, lunch and dinner at the hotel talking with one another, we spent time talking while we were in the spa, and then we spend time at night talking in one of our rooms.  The man then asked his wife what they did for fun?  She said we had a very fun time just talking. 
  2. The wife then asks her husband how was his weekend with his friends.  He said we had a very fun time skiing all day, eating on ski-run fast food restaurants, exploring the trails at night with torches and finally sitting down exhausted in peaceful quietness looking at the stars while we had some hot drinks.  The wife then asks, well what did you talk about.  The husband said we didn't really talk about anything other than what we were going to do next for fun, how did we like each ski-run and what we thought about the mountain trails.  It was just a perfect weekend and totally amazing fun time!  The husband then tells his wife that he wants her to go with him to the same place and do the same fun things together.

Learning From Other Women's Mistakes

There are examples for wives to learn from regarding mistakes that other women commit such as adultery.  Adultery always has very punitive consequences and unfortunately the importance of avoiding and recovery from it are never taught in Pastor's Sermon or a Bible Study. 

Learning from mistakes in other marriages of all kinds, can help in a person's marriage understanding and even particularly in a sexless marriage.  This may seem like an oxymoron statement, but there are many key points in this comparison where Psychologist have written that sometimes examples of adulterers can teach both a husband and wife about their own individual problems and inactivity that are applicable to sexless marriages.

This author:

  1. Can write about adultery as a victim after learning what was done secretly and confessed in the hopes of my ex-wife trying to save the marriage.  If the reader is interested, see this part of a topic on Death Bed Confessions and forgiving.
  2. Has never committed adultery!
  3. Can write about adultery from reading about adulterers' commonalities, that includes sex, after seeking helpful information to recover from the pain.  Note that in my marriage, and many marriages according to Psychologists, state that adultery is often caused by an adulterer's own carnal selfish lusts while still wanting to stay married.  The topic on adultery goes extensively into all of the areas of adulterers.

Many Christian Therapists, including the belief of this author, state that adultery is more prevalent in the Christian professing marriages because Christians are the targets of the Satanic Forces that want to destroy and discredit a Godly marriage, and many Christians think they can sin freely as Jesus Christ will simply forgive without consequences (forgive yes but consequences will happen).  

Regarding Christian marriages, there is often either the man or the woman that is the more stronger in living a Christian life, so the Satanic Forces in the world will bring people into the weaker of the marriage partners to be tempted.  Absolutely all of us will be tempted in life in all areas of a marriage.

These are some sexual areas in adultery that are often lacking in an overwhelming number of Christian marriages.  These seven points are listed with a summary statement is given after the list:

  1. When the adulterous woman arrives at a location that sexual encounters always occur, the adulterous man has complete confidence in knowing sex will occur where the adulterous man will experiment, tease and prolong sex to give the fullest sexual climaxes for the woman and himself.
  2. An adulterous woman will prepare her body every time for known sexual encounters.  In between the encounters, the woman will exercise and diet more to be more physically attractive.  The woman also spends more time on cosmetics, hair, fingernail polish, waxing, and perfumes to add to her attractiveness.
  3. An adulterous woman will surrender her body in every area for the adulterous man to explore, where the excitement in anticipation is knowing she is not vulnerable because she always has her husband to provide love and reassurance if the adulterous man rejects her.
  4. An adulterous woman will take the guidance from the adulterous man to perform sexual stimulation in any area the adulterous man desires which will stimulate the adulterous woman in knowing she has sexual power in the adultery.
  5. The sexual excitement between the two adulterers, at all encounters, are very sexually stimulating experiences because everything is new and has no known boundaries. 
  6. The sexual boundaries are often completely gone in an adulterous couple because they are desiring more new experiences that are not present in their marriages. 
  7. The sexual encounters are sometimes for quick rendezvous that do not have time for a longer sexual encounter, but the quick rendezvous temporarily relieves sexual desires and also reinforces the desires for longer future encounters.

This author would state that most likely it is difficult for women and men reading these seven previous points to not become a little sexually stimulated and desirous for this type of sexual fulfillment in a marriage when they are missing. 

The question to ask ourselves is why the seven points are not most likely happening in our marriages?  Can the experiences that adulterers describe teach us positively about sex?  The answer is "yes".

The reason why the answer is "yes" is the seven sexual stimulating points have these attributes:

Note: that if you are a man reading this topic, women sometimes will use an explanation (or excuse) that their estrogen level is low which is supposedly causing the lack of desire.  This can be truthful, where if the problem is persistent then help from a medical source and perhaps therapy is required as sexlessness is often a symptom of a larger problem, that must be fixed.  Challenge your wife in a positive way that you want to help to fix all problems which must consists of emotionally being supportive without any criticism!

What to read next?

See Dating and Dating Sites.  Friendships between women and other women.  For the family in crisis Adultery & Cheating - Affairs & Divorce & Relational breakups and for the importance of Christ in our employment Abuse of Power   Hope for an old relationship from the past: 60 Year Love Story